August 11, 2011
Okay, I’ve whined in the past about my job and goddammit here I go again, I had a horrible fucking night at work. Tons of “super rush” jobs, pressure, stress, the heartbreak of psoriasis, doom, gloom, a field of screaming babies, tarantulas with bad toupees, lions, tigers and Dick Butkus in a bathtub of warm Aunt Jemima syrup. I’m here to tell you, this was one bad night. It’s over now though and I’m home drinking beer. And “Big Boobs Dating" is following me on Twitter, so I’ve got that going for me. It’s a little after three in the morning and I’ve been trying to think of something to do for tomorrow’s post. Actually, make that today’s post. Well, I was going through my files and found a scan of one of my most fun freelance articles I ever did. I thought I’d post that and some of the pictures that weren’t used and that’ll be today’s MAD.
The article was written for the NY Post back in December of 2007. A friend of mine is an editor at the Post and he called me and told me about a story where someone would put on a Santa outfit and basically be a real life, “Bad Santa.” He said they were having trouble finding someone to do it and wondered if I was interested. I told him I’d love to, went and picked up the Santa suit and talked with the editor I was going to work with on the story and a couple days later I went out with a photographer and we spent the day going to places that the real Santa would never go. We went to a strip club, an OTB parlor, a bar, Hooters and Victoria’s Secret. The published article is below.
The photographer’s name is Liz Sullivan and she was great to work with. Totally fearless. When you do stuff like this, you really have to put things and people around you out of your head and just focus on getting the shot you want and she was great at this. The manager in Victoria’s Secret was screaming at us and I just kept posing with underwear and Liz kept shooting. Then they called the cops on us, so we figured that would be a good time to leave, fast! We didn’t get kicked out of the OTB, but the guys inside weren’t too thrilled to have us in there and after about ten minutes we decided we had had enough. The whole day was a total blast and it was a snap to write. My only regret is they changed the lead line. I was told to write it from the point of view of someone who hates Christmas, but is going to try to go out and enjoy it in spite of himself. So my lead line was: “When it comes to Christmas, I’m ho-ho-hopeless.” Okay, it’s not Billy Shakespeare, but hey, I thought it was pretty good. The line was changed to: “I ho-ho-hate Christmas.” Oh well, that’s life in the freelance world and that’s why I don’t do it much these days.
Liz was nice enough to give me a disc of all the photos she took. Below are a few that the NY Post didn't use.
Subway Santa doesn't need no stinking MetroCard!
Ho, ho, ho! Mary Crimble!
Keying, "I heart Rudolf" in the subway window.
Talking with people and seeing if they were good little boys and girls all year.
And a beer to start the story off.
On the escalator at Victoria's Secret before they called the cops on us.
The hostess at the Lace strip club. She was thrilled that she was going to be in the NY Post and told me to come back with the paper when it was published and we'd party at the strip club. Then the NY Post didn't publish this photo. Thanks, NY Post!
And here we are at Hooters. Walking away from the table I remember saying to the waitress, "Those guys seem like real lunkheads." And she shot back, "Complete and total lunkheads!" Welcome to Hooters!
Here I am with the entire Hooters staff.
This was our last stop, the Off Track Betting Parlor. They weren't too thrilled with us in there.
Shortly after this photo was taken we were met with a chorus of, "Fuck you, Santa, get out of here!" A bunch of Grinches in there, I tell you!
Back at Langan's bar...
Goodnight everybody and see you tomorrow after dark.
Further reading: A Christmas Carol, A Christmas Story House & Museum and Costumes for Santa.
You Might Also Like: Carol Brady, Carroll O’Connor and Carroll Gardens.
Five Christmas Albums
A Christmas Gift For You By Phil Spector
The Beach Boys Christmas Album
Funky Christmas by James Brown
Happy Holi-dee by Lenny Dee
Christmas With Colonel Sanders
31 Comments
Reader Comments (31)
"The hostess at the Lace strip club. She was thrilled that she was going to be in the NY Post and told me to come back with the paper when it was published and we'd party at the strip club"
Well ? .... did you's party ?
I wouldn't have been able to stand up after that picture :)
wait .... if it was just that one page in the NY Post .... it looks like no Krissy picture ... i.e. no party :(
That last picture,,,,you left the Heini full but did the shot,,,,which in turn did you in,,,,Langan's bar with you drinking from the tap,,,like Mickey Rourke in Barfly,,,,funny stuff
That blog just sleigh'd me! Yule never top this one! It was so funny it Santa thrill down my leg! That girl on your lap looked like a real "Vixen". Marty Party as Santa was a scream! You made my miserable day a little brighter!
@GENE: Yeah, after I promised her she'd be in the Post the picture didn't run. Party cancelled!
@Al: I finished the beer after the shot was taken. Glad you liked it!
@Danny: Ha ha ha! Your Leinnon-like word play brightened my day! Thanks, Danny Manny! Now it's off to work. Aaaaah!
I almost forgot, I laughed my "pharter" off when I read this:
Okay, I’ve whined in the past about my job and goddammit here I go again, I had a horrible fucking night at work. Tons of “super rush” jobs, pressure, stress, the heartbreak of psoriasis, doom, gloom, a field of screaming babies, tarantulas with bad toupees, lions, tigers and Dick Butkus in a bathtub of warm Aunt Jemima syrup. I’m here to tell you, this was one bad night. It’s over now though and I’m home drinking beer. And “Big Boobs Dating" is following me on Twitter.
Pure GENIUS!
Hold onto that Lace photo. If you accidentally murdered the art director who deep-sixed it from the article, there isn't a jury that would convict you.
Too bad you didn't wind up doing more pieces for the Post. If your hatred of smart-phones is contagious, the Murdochs might not be in quite so much trouble as they are in now. Then again, the UK is a strange, funny fish. A veritable riot.
Marty - you continue to surprise and amaze us. Hilarious! I don't know what to say except Sip-a-HO-HO-HOY!
now I see there is NO excuse for you to NOT join me at SantaCon this year. Wait..... thats right, you hate crowds. Love the concept of acting BAD in a good costume.
'Ho-Ho-HOOOOJEEEZE I THINK YOU BENT IT, HONEY!!! OWWWOOOOH...."
And a merry Christmas to you and yours!
http://youtu.be/ifP_0RN0JTk
This would be a cool place to go .... if it wasn't "temporarily" closed :(
St. Nick's Pub - article
St. Nick's - website
@MAD: This album used to get broken out every December at my parent's house. I think this has a shot to qualify as a bad Santa,
@Danny: Thank you sir!
@csp: The best part of the day was the fact that Rupert paid for all the drinks!
@Goggla: "Sip-a-HO-HO-HOY!" It's the new Christmas catch phrase! Ho ho ho! And a bottle of rum!
@Green Monkey: That Santa Con thing gives me the willies! I take life one Santa at a time!
@Jaws: Great link, thanks for sending it!
@GENE: That looks like a great place, it's closed?
@csp: And "shot" is the operative word there.
You are my Bad Santa God. Along with Dan Akroyd.
http://www.eatmedaily.com/2008/12/our-favorite-santa-dan-akroyd-in-trading-places-video/
@Crazy Eddie: Thanks for the linkage! Classic Santa clip!
My favourite shot is with the Hooters staff. You look like a freakin' mess by this point.
This one is up there as one of the best of MAD....hahaha....Fuck off santa!!
Why on earth did the Colonel do a christmas album?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UY0YEica8A
".......Shortly after this photo was taken we were met with a chorus of, "Fuck you, Santa, get out of here!" A bunch of Grinches in there, I tell you!.........."
That was your cue to go grape-ape-rapesville on their sorry, pimply asses. Betcha wish you had that moment back again.....:P............
oh hei.... santa, kin I liek askya a wish er sumthin'? you'll let me sit on yer lap, awright??2?........
@Clacky: I like that Hooters shot too! Why did Colonel Sanders make a Christmas record? To get to the other side, of course! Great link, thanks for sending it!
@llzzrdgrrl: "to go grape-ape-rapesville on their sorry, pimply asses." Ha ha ha! Good line! You hitting a 40 right now?
Lol awesome stuff - those guys at Hooters really do look like a bunch of lunkheads - I bet when you left the table you missed them all agree about how they could have been triple teaming the Hooters girl if it wasn't for that guy in the Santa suit cockblocking them. This would be immediately followed by some 'yeah bro', 'fuckin-A', and an historic stream of high fives.
These are the types of douchebags that seem to turn up anywhere I try to grab a beer.
@MAD ... closed for rennovations ... should reopen soon ?
what a friggin' ho-ho-hoot!...you did this w/o 'xplain' what was going on?...what was it...you started fingerin' the crotch-less panties or you started feelin' up the mannequins...either or no wonder they ring up the police...
“Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.”
Gary Allan
rr
@JAZ: You hit the nail on the head with that comment. Complete and utter "Bros!"
@GENE: I'll try and look into it, thanks!
@rr: There's a no camera policy at Victoria's Secret, even a poster on the wall. I guess they really do want to keep it a secret! Great quote!
"Santa, whatchur off-season deal, erh?........."
"wuahr..... a coupla greenies at happy and then a night out cock0blockin'. Tight......."
comment testing
@RR: Victoria's real Secret is that she sells $6 worth of crotchless panties made in sweat shops in Queens and Sri Lanka for "a reduced" price of $30 to millions of satisfied customers nationwide.
@the thousands upon thousands of girls on the subway who do this: I understand that you may need to tote around various sundries back and forth to work which may not fit in your fashionably small purse; but really, a Victoria's Secret paper bag? Honestly, your motives for re-purposing the Victoria's Secret bag are sheerer then the matching bra and panty you bought to the get the bag in the first place. Look at me, I'm a respectable girl commuting to work, but wait, what's this? A Victoria's Secret bag. The bag in question is neither that aesthetically pleasing, nor über-engineered for the ruggedness needed or a daily commute. In fact you may want to consider purchasing a tote-bag to tote your stuff. You actuality, either knowingly or not, you have become a victim of branding. If for some reason some poor MAD reader is up late enough to read this and enjoyed imagining what the commuter girl purchased (and what should would look like in and out of those purchases) to obtain that bag, I apologize. Now instead of fantasizing about that girl's under-garment buying decisions, there is a good chance you will instead think about this curmudgeon rant and me. Ho ho ho.
@csp- Ha! I love the bag-rant! And I agree! People who reuse any store bag as if it's green instead of a way to show off where you shop drive me crazy. I use them as trash bags - no one gives a shit that I was at the Gap spending too much on jeans.
Great post Marty!
Bahahhaha!! I love this! You were perfect for this role!
@csp: Quit calling me a ho! Nice rant!
@Lindsay: Thanks, it was a lot of fun.
I like that the sign in the train said "We believe in you." Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he's a big lush!
@Biff: How true!