Marty After Dark - Almost Live...From New York

Entries in Freelance Writing (1)

Thursday

Aug112011

August 11, 2011

Okay, I’ve whined in the past about my job and goddammit here I go again, I had a horrible fucking night at work. Tons of “super rush” jobs, pressure, stress, the heartbreak of psoriasis, doom, gloom, a field of screaming babies, tarantulas with bad toupees, lions, tigers and Dick Butkus in a bathtub of warm Aunt Jemima syrup. I’m here to tell you, this was one bad night. It’s over now though and I’m home drinking beer. And “Big Boobs Dating" is following me on Twitter, so I’ve got that going for me. It’s a little after three in the morning and I’ve been trying to think of something to do for tomorrow’s post. Actually, make that today’s post. Well, I was going through my files and found a scan of one of my most fun freelance articles I ever did. I thought I’d post that and some of the pictures that weren’t used and that’ll be today’s MAD.

The article was written for the NY Post back in December of 2007. A friend of mine is an editor at the Post and he called me and told me about a story where someone would put on a Santa outfit and basically be a real life, “Bad Santa.” He said they were having trouble finding someone to do it and wondered if I was interested. I told him I’d love to, went and picked up the Santa suit and talked with the editor I was going to work with on the story and a couple days later I went out with a photographer and we spent the day going to places that the real Santa would never go. We went to a strip club, an OTB parlor, a bar, Hooters and Victoria’s Secret. The published article is below.

The photographer’s name is Liz Sullivan and she was great to work with. Totally fearless. When you do stuff like this, you really have to put things and people around you out of your head and just focus on getting the shot you want and she was great at this. The manager in Victoria’s Secret was screaming at us and I just kept posing with underwear and Liz kept shooting. Then they called the cops on us, so we figured that would be a good time to leave, fast! We didn’t get kicked out of the OTB, but the guys inside weren’t too thrilled to have us in there and after about ten minutes we decided we had had enough. The whole day was a total blast and it was a snap to write. My only regret is they changed the lead line. I was told to write it from the point of view of someone who hates Christmas, but is going to try to go out and enjoy it in spite of himself. So my lead line was: “When it comes to Christmas, I’m ho-ho-hopeless.” Okay, it’s not Billy Shakespeare, but hey, I thought it was pretty good. The line was changed to: “I ho-ho-hate Christmas.” Oh well, that’s life in the freelance world and that’s why I don’t do it much these days.

Liz was nice enough to give me a disc of all the photos she took. Below are a few that the NY Post didn't use.

Subway Santa doesn't need no stinking MetroCard!

Ho, ho, ho! Mary Crimble!

Keying, "I heart Rudolf" in the subway window.

Talking with people and seeing if they were good little boys and girls all year.

And a beer to start the story off.

On the escalator at Victoria's Secret before they called the cops on us.

The hostess at the Lace strip club. She was thrilled that she was going to be in the NY Post and told me to come back with the paper when it was published and we'd party at the strip club. Then the NY Post didn't publish this photo. Thanks, NY Post!

And here we are at Hooters. Walking away from the table I remember saying to the waitress, "Those guys seem like real lunkheads." And she shot back, "Complete and total lunkheads!" Welcome to Hooters!