August 30, 2011

Last week over at the fine blog, The Half Empty Glass, anonymous271 wrote a post asking what people were doing in anticipation of Hurricane Tropical Storm Irene. I jokingly replied I was getting a copy of Juggs magazine because the power might go off and then there’s be no internet porn. After I left that comment it got me thinking, “Who the hell buys printed porn these days?” You can get more than enough free porn on the internet. Check out this screen shot.
 

The more I thought about it, I realized I haven’t bought a porno magazine in years. I think they still exist and I thought that for tonight’s six pack, I’d go out and buy six porno magazines and check them out. I just had a memory of when I bought my first porn magazine. I was a sophomore in high school and had just gotten my drivers license. I drove to the local shopping center in Peoria and headed to a local book store called, The Book Emporium. In addition to books, they had a large magazine selection and at the end of the display were the “men’s” magazines. I already had picked up a copy of Rolling Stone to use as a cover for standing in line and I chose a magazine with the subtle yet provocative title of “Beaver Magazine.” I put it underneath my Rolling Stone and wandered around till there wasn’t a line. Then I charged up to the register, the woman behind it (who looked a little like the principal’s secretary in Ferris Beuller’s Day Off) rang up the Rolling Stone and kind of scowled at me as she rang up my treasured copy of Beaver Magazine. I paid and the magazines were just sitting on the counter for all to see.

“Can I have a bag please,” I nervously asked.

The secretary look-a-like smirked and slowly went to get a bag. She knew I was a nervous wreck and she was moving slow. Right as I went to put the Beaver Magazine under the Rolling Stone, I heard a voice.

“Hi Marty, fancy running into you here!” a somewhat familiar female voice said.

I looked to my right and there stood my next door neighbor, Mrs. DeYoung. I think I turned about 57 shades of red while trying say hi and cover up the Beaver Magazine. I wanted to vanish. She was staring directly at my copy of Beaver Magazine.

“Hi Mrs. DeYoung,” I said while the woman behind the counter sloooowly put my magazines in a bag. I grabbed the bag and ran out to the safety of my mom’s blue Oldsmobile. For years, whenever I would look at an X-rated magazine, I would think of Mrs. DeYoung, and that’s not the vision you want to have while getting ready to hand it to yourself, so to speak! I don’t want to be unkind, but Mrs. DeYoung resembled a female Dick Butkus. Right down to the moustache. Aaaaahhh!

Okay, I’ve cracked a sweat reliving that experience, let’s go out and see if we can find six print porn magazines. I hope Mrs. DeYoung doesn’t happen to be in Manhattan by any chance!

Very nice out tonight, a wonderful evening to go searching for printed porn.

There's two newsstands on either side of the entrance to Penn Station. I thought I'd check these two out first.

Nothing here, the closest is Playboy and Maxim but those are a little too porn-lite for what I'm looking for.

Let's see what the one on the right has to offer.

They must be owned by the same people, it's the same magazines in almost all the same spots. No porn here, let's go inside.

This guy is cock-blocking the evil escalator walkers with his bag. Good for him!

Let's check out Hudson News, they have a lot of magazines here, let's see if there's any porn to be had.

Nothing here but Lady Gaga, and I've seen enough of her to last a lifetime.

Here's a Hooters magazine. We're getting warm, so to speak.

And here we go, the old half darkened X-rated magazine racks. Lots of choices here.

And here's the first three porno purchases. Let's go downstairs and see if we can find three more.

This place has the most magazines in Penn Station. I'm sure we'll find some in here.

Here's some entertainment magazines, no porn here. St. Vincent? That was the name of my grade school!

Holy moley! There's a whole corner devoted to porn here!

Lots of XXX choices here.

And they are appropriately bagged up in a brown paper bag. Okay, let's go check out my purchases back in the privacy of my apartment.

Magazine: Cheri
Price: $11.99
Some of the cover lines: “Slut Alert! Madison Parker F#@ks 2 At A Time!” “Jesse Jane Gets Off On Dirty Boxers!” “Butt Sex Beauty Kristina Rose Crams Her Ass With Giant C*ck!”
Random paragraph from the article titled: “Carol—Pinch Between Her Cheeks”
Jugs. Hooters. Sweater meat. Headlights. Bazookas. Tits by any other name would still look as sweet and feel as nice. We’re a little obsessed with boobs here at CHERI.
T.M.I. “I like hanging out by the urinals best...guys stand there, unzip, and take out their cocks! I want to cram all that sausage into my mouth.”

Magazine: Naughty Neighbor
Price: $11.99
Some of the cover lines: “Jessica—Sex is her new favorite pastime.” “All Ages • All Types • All Amateurs” “Bush Baby—Hairy Teen”
Random paragraph from the article titled: “Candy—Brooklyn, New York”
Job Status: Unemployed. Age: 20. Bras 34D Panties: Mostly commando. Anal: Sure! BJs: Swallow it all. Diddle: Hardly ever.
T.M.I. “I don’t mind if the guy wets a finger and works that in my butt while we’re screwing, but he’s not going to put his dick in there!”

Magazine: Penthouse Forum
Price: $8.99
Some of the cover lines: “Unfaithful And Loving It: How I Survived My First Affair.” Monique Alexander’s X-Rated Makeover!”
First sentence from a typical Forum letter: “It all started when I first saw Anika walking across the parking lot next to her building."
T.M.I. “Dan likes fucking my ass more than he likes anything else.”

Magazine: Over 50
Price: $8.99
Some of the cover lines: “Grannies Go Gay!” “Phyllis & Friend 59—We’ve Eaten Miles of Pussy!” “Corrine 57, Dalia 57—Dick! Pussy! We can’t Decide!”
One look inside this magazine is too frightening to be believed. It does prove one thing though, gravity is all too real!

Magazine: Juggs
Price: $8.99
Some of the cover lines: (Mulitple exclamation mark alert.) “Brunettes Only Issue!!!!” Cory Emerson Pop slut Slop Tart!”
Random paragraph from the article titled: “Hailey”
Although she’s beautiful to behold and her rump is as round as a man could desire, she snaps her gum too loud when she’s talking and she burps, loudly, in the middle of sentences without excusing herself.
T.M.I. Once the attractive young bassoon player blew his load all over her hand, he keeled over and died on the spot.

Magazine: Beaver Hunt
Price: $11.99
The title of this magazine brought back visions of Mrs. DeYoung and I had to flee the store immediately.

Further reading: My Top Dozen, netdoctor, Adam Snider’s Blog and campfireburning.

You Might Also Like: Marshmallows, Harshed Mellows and Mellow Yellow.

Six Men’s Magazines
Man’s Adventure
Man’s Story
Men Today
See For Men
Man’s Conquest
New Man (Newman!)

Lock up the streets and houses,
Because there's something in the air.

ARCHIVES

(Surprise link...click on it...I dare you!)

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Bonus Photo Sent In By RR!

MAD commenter and quote supplier, rr, sent in this photo of the Manhattan skyline after Tropical Storm Irene pranced through the city. The photo is by Inga Sarda-Sorensen. Thanks, rr, it's a beautiful photo!

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Bonus Cartoon By Jaws!

To go along with today's theme, Jaws sent in this cheesecake cartoon. Thanks Jaws!