August 30, 2011
Last week over at the fine blog, The Half Empty Glass, anonymous271 wrote a post asking what people were doing in anticipation of Hurricane Tropical Storm Irene. I jokingly replied I was getting a copy of Juggs magazine because the power might go off and then there’s be no internet porn. After I left that comment it got me thinking, “Who the hell buys printed porn these days?” You can get more than enough free porn on the internet. Check out this screen shot.
The more I thought about it, I realized I haven’t bought a porno magazine in years. I think they still exist and I thought that for tonight’s six pack, I’d go out and buy six porno magazines and check them out. I just had a memory of when I bought my first porn magazine. I was a sophomore in high school and had just gotten my drivers license. I drove to the local shopping center in Peoria and headed to a local book store called, The Book Emporium. In addition to books, they had a large magazine selection and at the end of the display were the “men’s” magazines. I already had picked up a copy of Rolling Stone to use as a cover for standing in line and I chose a magazine with the subtle yet provocative title of “Beaver Magazine.” I put it underneath my Rolling Stone and wandered around till there wasn’t a line. Then I charged up to the register, the woman behind it (who looked a little like the principal’s secretary in Ferris Beuller’s Day Off) rang up the Rolling Stone and kind of scowled at me as she rang up my treasured copy of Beaver Magazine. I paid and the magazines were just sitting on the counter for all to see.
“Can I have a bag please,” I nervously asked.
The secretary look-a-like smirked and slowly went to get a bag. She knew I was a nervous wreck and she was moving slow. Right as I went to put the Beaver Magazine under the Rolling Stone, I heard a voice.
“Hi Marty, fancy running into you here!” a somewhat familiar female voice said.
I looked to my right and there stood my next door neighbor, Mrs. DeYoung. I think I turned about 57 shades of red while trying say hi and cover up the Beaver Magazine. I wanted to vanish. She was staring directly at my copy of Beaver Magazine.
“Hi Mrs. DeYoung,” I said while the woman behind the counter sloooowly put my magazines in a bag. I grabbed the bag and ran out to the safety of my mom’s blue Oldsmobile. For years, whenever I would look at an X-rated magazine, I would think of Mrs. DeYoung, and that’s not the vision you want to have while getting ready to hand it to yourself, so to speak! I don’t want to be unkind, but Mrs. DeYoung resembled a female Dick Butkus. Right down to the moustache. Aaaaahhh!
Okay, I’ve cracked a sweat reliving that experience, let’s go out and see if we can find six print porn magazines. I hope Mrs. DeYoung doesn’t happen to be in Manhattan by any chance!
Very nice out tonight, a wonderful evening to go searching for printed porn.
There's two newsstands on either side of the entrance to Penn Station. I thought I'd check these two out first.
Nothing here, the closest is Playboy and Maxim but those are a little too porn-lite for what I'm looking for.
Let's see what the one on the right has to offer.
They must be owned by the same people, it's the same magazines in almost all the same spots. No porn here, let's go inside.
This guy is cock-blocking the evil escalator walkers with his bag. Good for him!
Let's check out Hudson News, they have a lot of magazines here, let's see if there's any porn to be had.
Nothing here but Lady Gaga, and I've seen enough of her to last a lifetime.
Here's a Hooters magazine. We're getting warm, so to speak.
And here we go, the old half darkened X-rated magazine racks. Lots of choices here.
And here's the first three porno purchases. Let's go downstairs and see if we can find three more.
This place has the most magazines in Penn Station. I'm sure we'll find some in here.
Here's some entertainment magazines, no porn here. St. Vincent? That was the name of my grade school!
Holy moley! There's a whole corner devoted to porn here!
Lots of XXX choices here.
And they are appropriately bagged up in a brown paper bag. Okay, let's go check out my purchases back in the privacy of my apartment.
Magazine: Cheri
Price: $11.99
Some of the cover lines: “Slut Alert! Madison Parker F#@ks 2 At A Time!” “Jesse Jane Gets Off On Dirty Boxers!” “Butt Sex Beauty Kristina Rose Crams Her Ass With Giant C*ck!”
Random paragraph from the article titled: “Carol—Pinch Between Her Cheeks”
Jugs. Hooters. Sweater meat. Headlights. Bazookas. Tits by any other name would still look as sweet and feel as nice. We’re a little obsessed with boobs here at CHERI.
T.M.I. “I like hanging out by the urinals best...guys stand there, unzip, and take out their cocks! I want to cram all that sausage into my mouth.”
Magazine: Naughty Neighbor
Price: $11.99
Some of the cover lines: “Jessica—Sex is her new favorite pastime.” “All Ages • All Types • All Amateurs” “Bush Baby—Hairy Teen”
Random paragraph from the article titled: “Candy—Brooklyn, New York”
Job Status: Unemployed. Age: 20. Bras 34D Panties: Mostly commando. Anal: Sure! BJs: Swallow it all. Diddle: Hardly ever.
T.M.I. “I don’t mind if the guy wets a finger and works that in my butt while we’re screwing, but he’s not going to put his dick in there!”
Magazine: Penthouse Forum
Price: $8.99
Some of the cover lines: “Unfaithful And Loving It: How I Survived My First Affair.” Monique Alexander’s X-Rated Makeover!”
First sentence from a typical Forum letter: “It all started when I first saw Anika walking across the parking lot next to her building."
T.M.I. “Dan likes fucking my ass more than he likes anything else.”
Magazine: Over 50
Price: $8.99
Some of the cover lines: “Grannies Go Gay!” “Phyllis & Friend 59—We’ve Eaten Miles of Pussy!” “Corrine 57, Dalia 57—Dick! Pussy! We can’t Decide!”
One look inside this magazine is too frightening to be believed. It does prove one thing though, gravity is all too real!
Magazine: Juggs
Price: $8.99
Some of the cover lines: (Mulitple exclamation mark alert.) “Brunettes Only Issue!!!!” Cory Emerson Pop slut Slop Tart!”
Random paragraph from the article titled: “Hailey”
Although she’s beautiful to behold and her rump is as round as a man could desire, she snaps her gum too loud when she’s talking and she burps, loudly, in the middle of sentences without excusing herself.
T.M.I. Once the attractive young bassoon player blew his load all over her hand, he keeled over and died on the spot.
Magazine: Beaver Hunt
Price: $11.99
The title of this magazine brought back visions of Mrs. DeYoung and I had to flee the store immediately.
Further reading: My Top Dozen, netdoctor, Adam Snider’s Blog and campfireburning.
You Might Also Like: Marshmallows, Harshed Mellows and Mellow Yellow.
Six Men’s Magazines
Man’s Adventure
Man’s Story
Men Today
See For Men
Man’s Conquest
New Man (Newman!)
Lock up the streets and houses,
Because there's something in the air.
ARCHIVES
(Surprise link...click on it...I dare you!)
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Bonus Photo Sent In By RR!
MAD commenter and quote supplier, rr, sent in this photo of the Manhattan skyline after Tropical Storm Irene pranced through the city. The photo is by Inga Sarda-Sorensen. Thanks, rr, it's a beautiful photo!
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Bonus Cartoon By Jaws!
To go along with today's theme, Jaws sent in this cheesecake cartoon. Thanks Jaws!
38 Comments
Reader Comments (38)
Well some of those captions are totally hilarious,,,,you spent something like sixty dollars on those magazines? I admire your dedication to the "pick six" night. Mrs DeYoung story is so funny,,,glad you told that one as I think most guys have had a similar experience with porn as a youngster,,,,no internet, kinda like Eddie's son in Vacation,,,,"I use those magazines". Also keep in mind that the real hardcore magazines run about thirty dollars a piece, thats a lot of beers at the dives.
Damn, gonna have to save the second half of today's MAD for when I get home, 'cause it's "NSF," as they say. I think that may be the first NSF MAD ever.
Wow, the prices of porno mags have gone up a lot since my purchasing days (pre internet of course). Why is it that they always seem to put the mags in the bag so slowly - I used to walk around the store pretending to shop, and scope out exactly which mags I wanted; the second there were no more customers, I'd grab the 3 or 4 I wanted and scamper to the counter - the guy would put in the totals, I'd hand him the money, and he would take FOREVER to give the change, and then just leave the magazines sitting there while slowly grabbing the bag - of course, every fucking time, someone would end up coming in, and heading right to the counter (lottery tix, cigarettes, etc.). The moment I got home, I'd slam my door shut and just dump them out on the floor, taking a sensory overload of all the nasty options at hand. That was always a great moment.
There's some things the computer generation of kids will never be able to relate to - this is one of these things.
Meant "NSFW." Forgot the all-important "W."
U. F. of B. !!!!!!!
@Al: I couldn't believe how expensive they are now! I also wonder who buys them, since the internet is overloaded with free porn.
@Bruce Davis: My trip to Show World comes close to NSFW!
@JAZ: The internet has taken all the danger of buying porn away. It was part of the excitement of buying it as a kid. Something this computer generation will never know.
@GENE: Ha! I was hoping to get a UFB out of you for this one!
The question of the day is where are these six magazines right now? Inquiring minds want to know.
"Boobies!" - Cris Griffin - Family Guy.
'Grannies go gay'? 'Over 50!/! JESUS, MARTY...I WAS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF LUNCH!!!! (Thanks a lot) HOOOAAAARRRRGHHH...(koff KAF KHACK...guck....)
Now that I'm well over fifty, I find that I share Count Dracula's aversional attitude towards mirrors.
Hahaha! Yes, this is so great! I wonder how much longer these bad boys will be around for. The times they are a changin'
Also, super amazing photograph by RR!!
Check your e-mail, Marty...got some vintage Jaws lite porn for you today.
Cop
Ohio
@Crazy Eddie: I'll never tell! But I paid almost 60 bucks, so I do plan on getting my money's worth out of them! Oooh, I just heard someone's lunch coming up!
@Jaws: Oh, it was you! Sorry about that!
@Lindsay: A different world indeed. When I was a kid it was a big deal to find a Playboy, now kids have access to a whole world of porn!
@Jaws: I'll check it in a bit, I'm swamped at work right now!
GENE: Your links = a big UFB! Thanks for sending them!
I never really understood the allure of porno magazines. Thought they were more funny than anything else. Now, opening the vinyl wrap on a brand new album - THAT was exciting! Anyhoo, thanks for showing me what I have coming to me (no pun intended) with the Over 50 mag. I hope my underwears fit better.
Dear Penthouse Forum;
I'd never thought I would be writing one of these letters, but today my hot MILF older next door neighbor, Mrs. De Young, caught me buying a porno mag. At first I was really embarrassed, but she flipped it open and said, "Mmmmm, that position looks like fun." Turns out she was right! etc, etc., etc.
Also, when your done with these literary masterpieces, you should put them in your work-place's cafeteria, could be fun.
Also, the first soft-porn I recall seeing was called "The Seduction of Inga"; so RR's photo has brought up an unintentional nostalgia for me.
@Biff: Being in the over 50 year club myself, I'm with Jaws on mirrors. Destroy all full length mirrors on your 50th birthday!
@csp: Your Forum letter just put a very scary mental image in my noggin'! I'll have to Google "The Seduction of Inga." The first porno film I saw was called, "Back Door Burglar." Doesn't leave much to the imagination!
I am TOTALLY laughing over Mrs. DeYoung catching you RED HANDED with porn! Ahahahhahaahaha
Printed Porn Party!!
Classic. I've never met anyone that has specifically gone out of there way to hike around the big city in search of 6 porn mags!!
Comedic gold.
Now go wash yer hands.
@Meleah: Red handed and red-faced! Luckily she never told my folks!
@Clacky: PPP! Glad you enjoyed it and my hands are sanitized for now!
first off...Lindsay i did not take that shot i just surfed into it and passed it to MAD...you take some dynamite shots and i hope all MAD followers check them...
MAD what a "sixpack"...who would believe in this day and age one is paying for hard (pun intended) copy of porn...there's an app for that...hell the Orgasmatron cannot be too far off...
Biff...you floored me w/ your comment and i lost my last "rutgut 45" lol but i had a couple bottles of sumthing named "Tumbler" in 'fridge...
been drinkin' and flippin' the followin' won:
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."
~Author Unknown
rr
@rr: Ha ha ha! Love the Woody Allen reference! Great joke, never heard that one! Cheers!
Posted comment but then it disappeared. It wasn't even especially lewd ...
@onemorefoldedsunset: You commented in the post below by mistake I think.
Oh, what an idiot!
Oh, what an idiot!
Now even more of an idiot. Sigh. Drank & ate too much tonight, it seems. Will shut up now.
@onemorefoldedsunset: It's your birthday, so you can do no wrong! We'll celebrate it at Coney Island this Sunday! Happy birthday to you!
@1+foldedsunset: Happy Birthday Week.
raginrr, thank goodness for Tumbler!
P.S. What the hell's a Tumbler?
@Biff: Till rr checks in, this is the closest I've found: https://www.tumblr.com/
Aw, Gee Whiz! Thanks, RR!! It is greatly appreciated! Yikes, didn't even notice the rest of the credit!!
Hey Marty! Got any plans for that free DVD? LOL!
@Makeout Mike: You know it! It's already been put to some good use with more to come. Pun intended!
Sorry I'm writing this so very late got knocked up by Hurricane Irene which screwed and wasted me but I'm okay now. In the late 70s and 80s used to visit every magazine store in Times Square and get my jerking off pleasure. Had some nice ones I recall but they were easily thrown out in the thrash. Could have been collectors copies. Oh well, c'est la vie ;)
Thanks, Marty! I prefer Tumblin' Dice, myself.
@Mykola Mick Dementiuk: Sorry to hear Hurricane Irene got you knocked up, but glad things are better. Sadly, most of the porno stores in Times Square are history. Not much fun jerking off to a bag of M&Ms!
@Biff: Me too!
I had a slow afternoon at work last week and thought I could get caught up on the site. Pulled it up and this was the post. Figured not a good time to catch up at work lol. Love the story of you buying the beaver! I love how the second place has their security mirror right above the porn. Just in case you needed to look yourself in the eye before deciding to purchase. I'm sad you didn't thrown in a PlayGirl for your lady followers! Guess I'll have to stick to redtube.
@kari: I don't know if they still publish Playgirl. Years ago when I moved here I knew the editor, I think it may just be a website now, but I'm not sure.