I had to work late last night and only got about five hours of sleep and right now it’s about four in the morning and I just got home. I’m really fried and I’m going to have a couple of beers and then collapse and sleep in today. But I want something here to entertain you after you took the trouble to stop by, so I thought I’d post some videos.
There’s no rhyme or reason for the selections, I’m picking them as I’m drinking, so it’s a mixed bag of whatever. Enjoy!
Okay, I’m on my sixth beer and about ready to collapse, see you tomorrow after dark, there’ll be something a little better, I promise.
As you may or may not know, today is National Sandwich Day. A holiday I hold high in regard, because just like Dagwood Bumstead, I love sandwiches. They come in so many delicious varieties and styles you could eat a different sandwich every day of the year and never repeat yourself...hmm...I have to put that in my blog list of ideas! Anyway sandwiches run the gamut from a simple, yet satisfying ham and cheese on white bread to more inventive sandwiches like The Rubix Cubewich. Sandwiches rightfully deserve their own holiday.
You know one thing that’s always pissed me off? The Manwich advertising campaign that ran with the slogan, “A sandwich is a sandwich, but a Manwich is a meal.”Really Manwich? You’re a meal? I’m so glad you informed me of this nugget of information, because I’ve always thought you were a third-rate version of a Sloppy Joe. You look like diarrhea on a bun and that’s fitting since you taste like shit! You think you’re better than a sandwich? In actuality all you really are is a sauce for Sloppy Joe’s, it says so right there on your fucking label! But yet, you’re better than a sandwich? You’re nothing more than a fucking condiment masquerading as a meal. You’re a complete and utter fraud. It’s like Hunt’s Ketchup saying that they’re better than a cheeseburger. Quite frankly this whole charade makes me sick. Fuck you and the bun you rode in on, Manwich!
So anyway, I thought we’d celebrate National Sandwich Day by going somewhere and having a sandwich. I have to be honest here, I had to work late and it’s after one in the morning, so National Sandwich Day is officially over, but fuck it, I’m still awake, so I’m extending the goddamned holiday here on MAD. I thought about going to the Hollywood Diner, but then decided since we’ve already gone there, it would be better try a new spot. I Googled around and found a 24 hour diner/restaurant that’s on my way home called, The Chelsea Square Restaurant.And so, it’s off we go for a little sandwich celebration!
It's not that far away, but I thought I'd take a cab because it's late and my feet are killing me.
And here we are, The Chelsea Square Restaurant.
Open 24 hours, always the mark of excellence.
Inside there's rows of vanilla colored vinyl booths to sit at.
And on the outer perimeter there's tables with floor to ceiling windows giving you a view of the outside action on the street.
I chose to sit at the counter, as I usually do.
Jesse was working the counter area and happily served me up a beer. He told me the diner has been on the block for over 30 years.
I'm always fascinated with the photos in these places. Let's take a look at a few of them.
Here's a photo of Al Pacino with the caption reading: "Guess who's mincing onions in the Chelsea Square kitchen?" I guess he couldn't pay his bill that night. Should've taken the back end deal on The Godfather III, Al!
Here's a signed photo from Erik Estrada. I'm guessing he got the fish and CHiPs. Sorry about that.
And no true New York diner is complete without a cheesecake shot of Marilyn Monroe hanging over the counter.
And here's another one of Al Pacino. This one is signed, I wonder if he lives in the neighborhood?
Okay, time to look at the menu and figure out what sandwich to have to celebrate National Sandwich Day. I came to the right place as they have tons of sanwiches here. It was a rough decision...
But I decided on my favorite sandwich, a grilled cheese. But to jazz it up for the holiday, I got two kinds of cheese on the sandwich, cheddar and swiss and a slice of ham on rye bread. It looks delicious!
And it is. Happy National Sandwich Day, everyone!
Burp. And fuck you Manwich! Goodnight everybody and see you tomorrow after dark.
MAD commenter, quote supplier and "rotgut 45" guzzler, ragin' rr, sent in this sighting of what looks like to be a mutant strain of a cheese cassette Cardboard Box Man. Aaaaahhh!
It’s Tuesday night, the night I go to a bar and see if I can score a swizzle stick with a drink. Mad commenter and quote supplier, ragin’ rr, had a good idea about going to bars that I was originally headed to on my 365 bar crawl last year, but never quite made it there for one reason or the other. He’s even compiling a list for me and I’m going to start hitting some of them soon. Tonight, though, I’m heading to a bar that’s close to work and on my way home. I decided to go to the Blarney Stone on 9th, it’s probably my second favorite Blarney Stone (my favorite can be found somewhere on this post, see if you can find it!) and it’s moments away. You’ll see.
See, here we are already, let’s go in and get a drink or three.
This was the 355th bar that I went to on my bar crawl last year. I was in here about 11 months ago. You can look at pictures of the bar here: Blarney Stone. It hasn’t changed at all, so there's no reason to take more pictures. It’s crowded in here and it’s not a crowd that I would assume would be too happy about a flash going off in their faces. Half of the crowd appears to be grizzled night shift workers from the nearby post office and the other half look like they may be faces from the wanted posters in the same post office, so I’m going to take some mental snap shots and post them below.
Snap:I order up a double gin and tonic and the bartender dutifully brings it to me. There’s no swizzle stick and that’s not much of a shock. He kind of looks like a grizzled version of Flip Wilson. I pay for the drink and throw him a two buck tip and he scoops the cash up and thanks me. It’s crowded in here with heavy drinkers. The bar is an old school dive bar, it’s dark and the walls are dotted with aged pictures of sports stars from years ago. There’s a flat board internet jukebox on the wall near the Buck Hunter game in the back that is really out of sync with the place. House music is blaring out of it and people are shouting over the top of the dance music. There’s a back room with a pool table that no one is using, all the action is up here in the front room.
Snap: I notice that the place has a unique scent of a combination of three year old beer, that grade school Lysol/sand smell that they use when a kid throws up and just a hint of a dung/barnyard scent. I feel a little sick and try not to breath through my nose.
Snap: The drunken guy sitting to my left is slurring into my ear in between gulps from his tumbler of whiskey. I patiently nod my head up and down and don’t bother to tell him I’m deaf in that ear. After a few more drinks from his tumbler he falls silent and falls into a drunken stupor and is just staring down at the bar. I’m guessing he’ll pass out within the half hour.
Snap:A fat black woman with a shaved head drunkenly stumbles into me and asks if I have a cigarette. Her breath smells worse than the bar and I tell her that I don’t have any. She then proceeds to drunkenly ask if I’d like to have a “good time.” I thank her and tell her I that I’m already having a wonderful time and I don’t want to overdo it. She looks puzzled and I tell her I have a heart condition. A frightened look colors her face and she moves to a drunken guy at the end of the bar. They appear to be hitting it off and I’m happy for them.
Snap: I order another double gin and tonic and the bartender tells me his name is Corey. I tell him my name is Marty and we shake hands. Before we can get into any small talk, Corey has to run and throw out a woman who is attacking the ATM machine in the corner. Corey escorts her out the door, comes back to the bar and tells me it can get a little nuts in here some nights.
Snap:The loud, raging music, the yelling and the smell has given me a headache. I drink my drink, leave Corey a tip and gather up my things to leave. On my way out I wink at the good time woman and she smiles and winks back. A nice ending to a somewhat crazy evening in New York City.
I had to work late tonight and I’m pretty beat. Even though it’s after two if the morning and Halloween is over, tonight for my six pack of photos and songs to go with them, I’m going to snap six Halloween-related photos as I walk home. Boo!Radley!
Okay, I started walking home and there was nothing, the streets were deserted. I think everyone started early and was home passed out. After about three blocks I hailed a cab and said, “Fuck it.” It was a horrible night at work and I just wanted to get home and drink a few thousand beers. So I didn’t get any photos, but here’s six scary images with songs to go along with them. Happy Hollow Weenie!
Gidget had a pre-Halloween experience by visiting a cemetary with her son, Dyl. Here’s some photos from the trip (including a "Martin" headstone!) and you can read about the whole adventure here, at Gidget’s blog: “They’re Coming To Get You Dylan.” And don’t forget to listen to her on Woody Radio, where you can also catch “Boris's” show, The Secret Weapon.
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Bonus Photo By Goggla!
Goggla sent in this frightening photo from last night in the East Village. A mutant strain of Cardboard Box Man is throwing down a reign of terror...aaaahhhh! (And check out her Ruby's videos here: Ruby's on The Gog Log.)
Tonight I’ve finally finished working three weeks of working a double shift. Basically I’ve worked between 10 to 14 hours every day for the last three weeks and I am fried (I’m refraining from another, “Fried Day joke, you’re welcome). I’m really beat and I’ve got a couple big blog posts coming up on Sunday and Monday, so tonight I’m just going to go home and get drunk out of my fucking mind and relax. Also, the traffic really slows down here on Saturdays because people are out and about and not looking at blogs and I’m not going to kill myself when there isn’t a huge audience out there. But I want to put something up to entertain the loyal MAD readers and commenters that come here on Saturday, I do appreciate it! “Boris” and I were talking about SCTV on the phone the other night and saying how funny it was and recalling different bits that were hilarious. There didn’t used to be a lot of clips on YouTube from the old SCTV shows, but I checked last night and there’s a ton of them. So I thought I’d put up some of my favorites. Hey, it beats a hot dog at the Papaya, right Al?
And a quick tribute to Alex Trebek. And the answer is...”Drunken, cursing, Canadian game show host." Further reading: Wikipedia, SCTV Guide and SCTV.org.
------------------------------------ Bonus Cardboard Box Men From Gidget! The coolest DJ in the world, Gidget, sent in this photo of two Cardboard Box Men who invaded her office. They appear to be brooding about something, but are a little more colorful than your run of the mill CBBM. Gidget DJ’s on Woody Radio and has a show with “Boris” that is on till 4pm EST today called “The Secret Weapon.”Turn on and tune in!
I’m in my third week of working a double shift, I’ve been trying not to complain about it, but I’m really feeling burned out. Luckily only two more nights and I’m back on my normal schedule. I got stuck late at work and I just don’t have the energy to go anywhere. So I’ll take a few photos on the way home and put up a few stories from my writing files that I hope will bring you a chuckle. Now it’s off to have a beer or 11 and collapse.
But the good news is the McRib is back and at $2.99 it's a bargain. I actually have fond memories about the McRib, maybe that'll be tomorrow's post. You've been warned!
Wow, this place is selling kids for $19.99, pretty cheap, but I think I'll stick to the McRib. Okay, on to the stories.
------------------------------------------- Alternative Titles for Sperm
Dong barf, manonaise, penis pudding, Elmer’s spoo, the other white sauce, dick snot, white out, Mel’s torment, glee juice, Harvey, cream of meat, albino love piss, sex sauce, eruption of white, man milk, H 2 Whoa!, jerk sauce, handjob cream, masturbation gravy, asleep at the feel, cock phlegm, oops...I did it again, horsey wagon, jizz juice, white christmas, fuzzy slippers, Aunt Edna, chicken gravy, tea for the spillerman, every schoolboy’s surprise, Dan the antenna, Thurdays and Saturdays, President Truman, dirty socks, a pile of magazines, night rally, stone dust, fish, cheerio old chap, mittens, Dick Dale, several empty boxes, white knuckles, corduroy, checkers, waffles, Thanksgiving Day Parade, rash, toenail clippers, The Week in Rock, a pile of flags, two turtledoves, toe jam, hair dryers, combs, San Quentin Prison, Crispian St. Peters, angels with dirty faces, lemonade, a Bic lighter, keyboards, plaid suitcase, have a good day, the weekend, vodka and orange juice, shave and a haircut two bits, tattoos, swimming pool, an office building, puppy dogs, deodorant, Abe Vigoda, The Supreme Court, The Supremes, an oak tree, a tray of ice cubes, zip discs, Eminem, underwear, eight track tape player, 300 miles out of Florida, wire rim eyeglasses, a white washing machine, The Bay City Rollers, Harlem, a walk in the park, fresh warm cookies, Valentine’s Day, Diet Snapple, Foghorn Leghorn, Tums, two packs of Camel Lights, Sgt. Carter, The Buckinghams, a snow shovel, mud, black and white, toilet cleanser, freckles, orange peels, and last but not least, my favorite alternative title for sperm...Uncle Spunky!
Lays Fat Free Potato Chips “Surrender To Anal Leakage!”
Saturday Night Live “Deny Your Laughter!”
E! Entertainment TV “Dive into the Shallow End of the Pool!”
Ice (any brand) “Chill Your Drink!”
The U.S. Army “It’s More Than A Job, Beause You Can’t Quit!”
Rogaine “Stop Being Bald!”
Zocor (Simvastatin) “Pretend Like You Know What This Product Is!”
------------------------------------------- Humor in Reader’s Digest There’s lot’s of humor in Reader’s Digest, unfortunately none of it’s too funny. It’s not that it’s horrible, it just needs some punching up. And nobody’s punchier than me, so I took the task of making the Digest’s humor a little edgier. Below are some humorous selections culled from Reader’s Digest with embellishments added at the end in bold type.
••••
I was leaving the grocery store with my three young sons when I spotted an Army tank loaded onto a flatbed truck with soldiers standing nearby. Knowing how my boys love anything that has to do with the military, I remarked, “Ooohhh, soldiers!”
One of the men gave me a sheepish and somewhat curious grin. Only then did I realize I was standing there alone. My boys had stopped at the gumball machine inside the store. Well, I wasted no time climbing up on that tank and pleasuring every soldier on board, which added up to over 20 strapping brutes in uniform. Hours later I found my boys in the grocery store office. When they asked where Daddy had been for so long, I winked at the grocery store manager and pointed out the window to the tank which was leaving the parking lot. “See those soldiers on the tank boys? Well I just gave them a 21 bun salute!”
••••
The flannel nightshirt my mother gave as a gift had white clouds on a blue background and was very modest. My husband an avid computer user, told me I looked very sexy.
“In this?” I asked in disbelief.
“Yeah,” he replied. “It reminds me of the logo for Microsoft Windows.”
That was a pretty weird remark, but I decided he could have his weekly blow job anyway. But when he got close to his orgasm and started screaming, “You’ve got mail! You’ve got mail!” at the top of his lungs, well that was too much, I ran out of the house and filed for divorce a week later.
••••
My father and husband enjoy working on crossword puzzles together. One day, Dad was baffled by this clue: “Found on a dollar bill.”
Even after my husband filled in the answer, Dad sat scratching his head. “Wet Rust? I still don’t get it!”
To which my husband replied, “no, it’s ‘We Trust.’”
Seconds later the blood drained from my father’s face as he clutched his chest and died on the spot from a stroke.
Without missing a beat, my husband retorted, “Well, that solves ‘what’s a six letter word for heart attack?’ Thanks Pops!”
••••
The company I work for recently purchased a building that had once been a hospital. Management asked for volunteers to help with some light renovation. I joined up, and my first task was to take signs down in the parking lot.
One read, “Reserved for Physician.” I said to a co-worker that I should keep the sign and post it on my sister’s garage door. My friend asked, “Is your sister a doctor?”
“No,” I replied. “She’s single.”
Always wanting to get the last laugh, my friend shot back, “She sounds like a real slut. Why don’t you take that ‘Incoming Traffic’ sign and have the little whore wear it as a belt buckle!” ------------------------------------------- Further reading: Wikipedia, Classic TV Ads and Bleeders Digest.
It’s “Sixpack Monday” which means it’s the night of the week where I go out to a certain area in New York, take six photos and then match them up with songs that I think reflect the photograph for whatever reason. I’m still working a combination dayshift and nightshift and it was a rough day today, so I’m pretty fried. Even though it’s Monday, it’s Fried Day for me. Oof, I’m so tired I’m reduced to writing bad jokes like that. Anyway, just like last week, instead of going to a certain part of the city, I’m just going to take shots on my way home and see what I get. And you’re welcome to come along.
---------------------------------- Bonus Photo From Gidget and A Link To East Village Corner! The coolest DJ in the world, Gidget from Woody Radio sent in this photo of a mutant relative of Cardboard Box Man, he’s everywhere! Be sure to check out Gidget on Woody Radio and don’t miss her and “Boris’s” show, The Secret Weapon. And speaking of CBBM, Melanie from the blog, East Village Corner had her own Cardboard Box Man sighting, check it out here. Thanks, Gidget and Melanie!
I think planning on going to Occupy Wall Street jinxes me. I was going to go last Friday and then it started pouring down rain, so I didn’t go. Tonight I was going to go after work, but I’m too tired to go. I’ve really been trying not to whine about work on here, and I’m not, I’m just stating the facts. And the facts are that someone at work is on vacation, so I have to get there around ten in the morning and if work comes in at night I have to stay till it’s done. So even if I get out at 10 PM, it’s a twelve hour day. Today was close to 13 hours, so I’m not going down there, maybe tomorrow, since I can sleep in on Saturday. And there’s another reason and I try to be honest on this blog, so I’m just going to come right out and say it (warning, this may be gross to some people): I have diarrhea tonight and was afraid to be too far away from a toilet. You know, I was thinking about it and why should you feel funny about having diarrhea? It’s not like it’s my fault, but people will rarely divulge when they have diarrhea, except to family and close friends. To me it’s no worse than saying you’ve got a cold or a headache. And you may think this is weird, but if I’m home or in a safe place with easy access to a toilet, I kind of like diarrhea. The cramping part in the stomach is bad, but once it starts flowing out of you, it feels really good. And no one can deny that it does. I took a taxi home tonight and really had to go bad by the time I got home. I just made it in my apartment just in the nick of time, sat on the toilet and started reading the latest issue of Rolling Stone. The cramps were bad and actually made me sweat, kind of like I was in labor, but then the chocolate rain began and all was well in my world. I let out a sigh of relief, it sounded a little bit like I was having an orgasm. In reality, I was having an assgasm. Hey, I just made a new word!* Cool. I also found out that Lou Reed and Metallica have a single out. It got four stars. Crazy, huh?
Since I don’t have any photos, I’m just going to post some YouTube videos for your enjoyment and have a few beers and try to get to bed and get some much needed sleep. But first, I gotta go. And I mean, I really gotta go! See you tomorrow after dark.
*I Googled, “assgasm” and it’s not a new word. Fuck.
Bobby Williams is a contributing photographer to EV Grieve and sends me a photo now and again. This is one of the red tailed hawk who's taken up residence in Tompkins Square Park in the East Village. Great photo, thanks, Bobby!
I had to work late last night and only got about five hours of sleep and right now it’s about four in the morning and I just got home. I’m really fried and I’m going to have a couple of beers and then collapse and sleep in today. But I want something here to entertain you after you took the trouble to stop by, so I thought I’d post some videos.
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