Marty After Dark - Almost Live...From New York

Entries in Amy Sedaris (1)

Friday

May062011

May 6, 2011

Two of my favorite writers are Amy and David Sedaris. Last year when Biff came into town, she brought along tickets to see David Sedaris at the legendary Apollo Theater up in Harlem. It was a great night and it’s also when we met Tim “Clacky” Clack and his girlfriend, Shannon. You can read about that night here: David Sedaris at the Apollo Theater, sponsored by Biff!

Amy Sedaris has a new book out called, Simple Times—Crafts For Poor People. I recently bought it and I thought it would be cool to stalk her go to her apartment and see if she would sign it.

“And just how do you know where she lives?” You may be wondering.

Simple. I shelled out ten bucks for the New York City Celebrity Map.

I didn’t buy it specifically to stalk try to meet Amy Sedaris, I thought I might use it for some late night MAD adventures, but as I was looking the list over, there was her name, right below Antonio Banderas. I feel a little pathetic using a service that not only alphabetizes by the first name, but also thinks that the letter “M” comes after “N” in the alphabet.

But I’m going to trust them anyway. The address they give is in the West Village, and I do know that she lives in that neighborhood. As far as the exact address, get your own New York City Celebrity Map if you want to stalk try and meet Amy Sedaris. However I will let you know that Antonio Banderas lives at 50 Central Park West. And you owe me 53 cents for that information by the way!

And we're off. I have to tell you, I'm a little nervous about this whole thing. I'm trying to figure out what to say if I actually do get to meet her.

Let's stop in here for a little liquid courage.

The old beer with a straw in it hidden in a brown bag. Yeah, like a cop will never know what it is in this disguise!

Okay, now I'm nervous walking around with this beer on top of wondering what I'll say to Amy Sedaris if I get to meet her. One rule about being around funny people is not to try to be funnier than they are, because you'll never pull it off and you'll end up looking pathetic. But I don't want to come off as a total dud either. Sheesh, I'm a total nervous wreck right now and paranoid as shit with this 16-ounce can of unlawfulness in my hand. I just thought of what to say! I'll show her the map and how her name is beneath Antonio Banderas and then I'll say, "It says you're beneath Antonio Banderas and that's a total lie! You're much funnier and you didn't have to marry Melanie Griffith to get a green card." That's pretty good, right? Fuck, I'm throwing the beer away, it's just making me too nervous. I should've just gone back to the M&M store tonight. This is a crazy-ass thing to be doing!

Fancy psychic window alert!

You've got to love it when you look in a Mexican restaurant and there's a guy that looks like he's passed out wearing a sombrero. He kind of looks like Antonio Banderas!

Shit, I still need to get my mom a present! There's just not enough time in the day to get everything done.

Aaaaahhh! Quit reminding me that I'm a bad son!

Okay, we're almost there!

Here's the building and the door is wide open! Holy shitballs, maybe I can just walk in, find her apartment number on the mailboxes and go knock on the door. I'm going to wait out here for a few minutes first and practice that Antonio Banderas joke.

Shit, I'm across the street now. I went inside the building and there was a Spanish doorman behind a desk. I was tempted to ask if he was related to Antonio Banderas, but decided not to press my luck. He asked if he could help me and I asked him if he could ring Amy Sedaris's apartment and ask her if she would sign my book. He told me he couldn't give out any information about the building. I told him I didn't need any information, I was just curious if Amy Sedaris would sign my book. I added that I was a big fan, for emphasis. He told me he couldn't give out any information about the building. We volleyed back and forth a few more times and he started looking pretty nervous, so I decided to retreat before he called the cops. Now I'm standing here like some sort of failed Margaret Ray. This wasn't a very good night. Sorry.