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Wednesday
Dec282011

Ketchup

I've written about the ketchup situation in the Greater Peoria Airport before and here I go again. Ever since I was a little kid, all I would eat is Heinz ketchup.

The first time I ever was going to spend the night at a friend's house when I was a little kid was a big deal and I was pretty excited. My friends name was Pat King and his family was real nice and we had fun playing outside before we got called in for supper. But when I sat down at the dinner table and I looked and saw a bottle of Hunt's ketchup, I feigned a stomach ache and asked them to call my parents to come pick me up. After about a twenty minute wait, while silently cursing Hunt's ketchup and Pat and his entire stinking family, my dad dutifully pulled up, I got in the car and he looked at me. I looked at him and said one word: "Hunt's."

He glared at the King household in furious anger, looked back at me and nodded in sage father and son agreement and floored it out of their driveway. When it comes to ketchup, you either know these things or you don't.

As vile as Hunt's is, I can't imagine being desperate enough to put Crown ketchup on anything except a grilled baby's butt. Because who eats a baby's butt except a drooling, twice-crazed, psycho-baby cannibal killer? And he probably spells "ketchup," "catsup."

Some things I'll just never understand. Crown "ketchup" is one of them. Shame on you Peoria Airport. Shame on you.

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    Marty After Dark - Almost Live...From New York - Ketchup

Reader Comments (10)

I see Captain Morgan in the background. Have a few of those and you won't care about Hunts or Crown ...

December 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGENE

Forget the Captain, have some of the Pyrat rum next to it. They have a little Buddah medallion around the bottle's neck when new. If they still have one, you need to snag it as a memento. Of course you may only be entitled to it if you drink > 50% of the bottle or at least more than any other customer. Also, Hunt's Ketchup and Crown Ketchup can both rot in hell.

December 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAl Czervik

Hell yeah, Al is right. If you drink half the bottle that Medallion is all yours.

December 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterReggie Thistleton

Hunt's is the only way to go:)

December 28, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermike hunt

The only thing a bottle of hunts is good for is emptying it out and turning it into a bong.

December 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterReggie Thistleton

The Worst Ketchup Ever

December 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJaws the Cabbie

@GENE: I see him too, but I don't think I should start mixing my drinks.

@Al Czervik: "Also, Hunt's Ketchup and Crown Ketchup can both rot in hell." In total agreement!

@Reggie: I'm afraid if I start mixing my drinks, I'll never get to Chicago and I promised GENE an Old Style.

@Mike Hunt: In your case, I'll give you that, because of the name game!

@Reggie: Ha ha ha! Nothing better than a ketchup bong!

@Jaws: Agreed!

December 28, 2011 | Registered CommenterMarty After Dark

I hear you brother. I was at my favorite diner in Rochester late one night, and saw a waitress filling Heinz bottles with generic ketchup. I've never been the same since.

December 28, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercsp

Generic ketchup is gross. I have no idea how something so simple could taste so different brand to brand but it does!

December 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBritta

@csp: I'll never eat ketchup in a diner again!

@Britta: For me, it's gotta be Heinz!

December 28, 2011 | Registered CommenterMarty After Dark

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