September 16, 2011
Okay, in the past I’ve whined and moaned about my night job and here I go again. Today was one of those days that felt like I had walked into a wall of shit while getting beaten over the noggin’ with a stainless steel baseball bat. The second half of the night wasn’t as bad and it did settle down, but I’ve really got a headache, I don’t feel like talking to anyone and I need some ice with this white whine. So it’s really going to come as a shock that I’ve decided to got to a bar tonight. And not just any old bar either.
I’ve been thinking about going to the Empire State Building one of these nights and facing one of my many fears and phobias, a fear of heights. When I first moved here I did all the touristy first time New York things and I went to the Empire State Building. On the elevator ride up I had an anxiety attack and was sweating bullets. I took it right back down and got the hell out of there. I’ve never gone back and I recently learned it’s open till two in the morning and might make for an interesting MAD outing to see if I could actually pull it off. And while doing research, I found out there’s a bar on the first floor called The Empire Room. Huh, I never knew there was a bar there and it’s just a few blocks from where I work. So I thought I’d start my way up the Empire State Building the way I live my life: One drink at a time.
And there's tonight's destination, The Empire State Building. Well, actually the bar inside the Empire State Building, let's move on, I get dizzy just looking at the top of that thing.
It's an easy walk over there, just about five blocks.
You know you're close when everything is named "Empire" something or other.
And here we are in front of the Empire State Building.
Okay, we're inside.
A security guard told me to walk down this hallway and I'd find it. Did I mention it's bright in here?
Zingo, here we are...
The Empire Room. Let's go in, I'm dying for a drink or five.
Okay right through the double doors...
And here's the bar. This place has the potential to be an okay bar. It's dark, it's got a nice marble topped circular bar, there's red leather banquettes lining the walls, but the music is blaring in here and it's this song by the Black Eyed Peas that I absolutely hate. And they have one of those sound systems that the bass is amped up like Roger Clemens on steroids. I'd leave, but I really want a drink and there's nothing else around here.
Some of the lit up bottles behind the bar. God, I HATE this song.
The service in here is horrible, it's been over five minutes now and the bartender hasn't even looked my way.
Okay, it's over ten minutes now and this song is on some sort of disco loop and doesn't ever seem to end. Have I died and finally gone to hell?
Finally the bartender came down my way. I ordered two drinks because God knows when I'd get another chance. I got a bottle of Corona and the house drink, The Empire. By now a group of about seven drunken tourists have come in and they're screaming, dancing and singing along to this song that apparently is never going to end. My head feels like it's going to cave in. I chug the drinks, pay the bill...
And head to the bathroom for a Travis Bickle-like obligatory bathroom shot. Goodnight everybody and see you tomorrow after dark.
The Empire Room
350 Fifth Avenue (Near 33rd St.)
212-643-5400
Further reading: Diner’s Journal, joonbug, Paradizo and NYCWhiksky.
You Might Also Like: Cracking Your Knuckles, Cracking a Joke and Crack.
28 Comments
Reader Comments (28)
You really should go to Billy Marks West after bad work nights ............
Nice wall for your head to spatter on, they'd never wash it off. But knowing them it would be spotless in no time. And business back as usual. Better stay sober a little longer.
I had no idea that there was a bar in here. Other than, what the Heartland?
Not that I'm in a hurry to go after reading this!
I never knew about the bar at the Empire State. It looks nice and dark. Leather stools look real comfy also. That song,,,by Black Eyed Peas,,,first time I've ever heard it, and you know, it wasn't bad,,,it wasn't good either. Point is, I've heard worse. The "Candy" song was great. I do not like heights either and had problems with it since I was in the Navy and had to chip paint on a scaffold way up high and with a manual pulley. No fun, still remember it like yesterday. Been up to the top of ESB,,,,it was ok as I didn't get too close to the edge,,,same thing as when I went to the top of the Eiffel tower,,,big problem there also,,,the wind felt like it was going to blow you away.
Windows On the World/The Greatest Bar on Earth was fun to go to because it was really freaking high up. Putting a bar on the first floor of a skyscraper screams, forgive the meme, but, "You're Doing it Wrong."
Also, there is a strip club right down the street. (Guessing they probably wouldn't allow photos though.)
Also, see above. Tits.
@GENE: You're right! Just wanted to see what this place was like and sadly, now I know.
@Mykola Mick Dementiuk: Ha ha ha! They'd sandblast it clean before the next Black Eyed Peas song came on.
@EV Grieve: It's been there about a year from what I've read, from the reviews I expected better. And yeah, the only other bar is the Heartland and you couldn't pay me to go in there!
@Al: I don't like the song and like I said, the bass was thumping so loud it just added to my headache. And then the screaming dancing tourists...Aaaahh! Some night I'll try to go up in the ESB. The Eiffel Tower sounds pretty frightening!
@csp: You're right, that is a pretty big Fail having the bar at the bottom! What's the strip club?
Sorry to hear things are sucking at work! I feel your pain brother. When you have nights like that, a bad bartender can make things worse! I believe a good bartender is an artist, not just in creating and serving drinks but also in creating an envirenment that makes a person want to relax and enjoy a well made drink! I have a great one in Milwaukee named Scotty.......Even when i'm not sure what to drink....he somehow reads my body language and fixes up the perfect poison for the moment! Cheers to good Bartenders!
Marty -
When I win the lottery (which might be a bit of a sticky wicket since I never play it) .... I will kidnap you and force you to basejump from the Petronas Tower with me http://youtu.be/FcHgVnyz3Ao
@MAD: Rick's
@Professor Dungpie: I hear you about good bartenders, they can make or break a bar. Last night's wasn't the worst I've ever had, but definitely not the best. And that fucking song and those idiotic toursts were the icing on the cake...or maybe the flies on the turd! Cheers, Professor!
@roadsidewonders: Holy shitballs! I just watched that video and I'm covered in sweat! No way could I do that...well...if you win the Lotto maybe I'll think about it!
@csp: Oh, right. Yeah, I don't think a camera would be welcome in there!
Willis Tower - Chicago
@MAD ......... I did go up & out here 2 years ago ... it is freaky ... you'd like it !
Well, congrats on facing your fear of heights. And whenever I know I am going to receive shitty service at a bar, I always order TWO drinks and make them DOUBLES!
I helped him out on the ledge....he's a wimp! But it is scary standing on glass looking at the ants (people) on the ground....and it doesn't help with kids jumping...its glass jetting out from a building.
We didn't go up empire state..we went up rockefeller building
Count me in the not so in love with heights group. Check that, my mind really digs high up places, but my body, especially the nether-regions actively protests...Usually after 5-10 minutes or so, if I make it that long, I relax and enjoy. Eiffel Tower was one of the toughest for me too, and I only went up half way.
When I was a kid, maybe 15 years old, me and a girl went to the top of the Empire State Building, not the observation tower but still higher up to the tiny last cubicle they had up there. Said the guard to me winking, "If you kiss her now you'll be kissing her at the top of the world!" I blushed but I did. It was an awesome feeling, that kiss was spectacular, I never will forget it. Kissing at the top of the world, I still go, "Wow!"
I went into the lobby of the Empire State Building during my first visit in '04. It was pretty cool in there - all art deco and shit. I can't remember if the observation deck was even open, but I probably wouldn't have gone up, considering that I have a fear of heights too. Ended up walking all the way down to Battery Park and then finding this sushi restaurant down in the financial district (which looked like an empty movie set, since it was a Sunday). The only person on the street was a bicycle delivery dude. But the sushi was awesome. Of course, the restaurant is gone now. Gotta get to those places while you can. Anyhoo, I don't know what business that Empire bar has playing Black Eyed Peas in such a beautiful building. Shouldn't it be something along the lines of Coleman Hawkins or Fats Waller or Cab Calloway? Or at the very least Duke or Billie or Louis. I mean, who doesn't have at least one song from each of them on their iPod? In any case, it's a shame that a gorgeous bar like that was shot to shit. Sorry for your troubles, man. So, did you ever venture up to the observation deck or what?
I could picture King Kong dry-humping the Empire State building in time to to that Black Eyed Peas song and squirting off onto the side of your head while you sit there at the bar with a grimmace on your face trying to finish your drink in peace Marty...pretty bad alright.
'Juke Box Hero' by Foreigner tops my list of worst song ever with 'Disco Duck' and 'Play that Funky Music White Boy' tied for second place. Back when I was working as a draftsman for one contract engineering firm after another, I'd have to get temp work when I was between drafting contracts in order to survive and pay the bills...and more often than not I'd wind up babysitting an injection molding machine while it dropped plastic parts into a box, over and over again all night long. Injection molding machines are loud, noisy machines with a hellish, headache inducing rythym of their own that just goes on and on nonstop for twelve hours straight while you're suffering through your shift. To make matters worse, the chick babysitting the machine next to mine had a cheap, grease stained radio perpetually tuned to an oldies station with a short playlist that included, every thirty minutes (yep, you guessed it) Juke Box Hero, Disco Duck, and Play that Funky Music White Boy. I'd spend 12 hours a night, sometimes 7 nights a week thinking I'd died and gone to hell with no life and sanity sustaining booze to see me through 'til I got off work at four in the morning, at which time I'd go home as fast as I could drive and drink myself comatose on martini's made with the cheapest gin available at the local discount liquor store.
It was a hellish existence beyond anything Dante Alighiery could even have dreamed of Marty, and for me, those three songs will always be the stuff of nightmares.
@GENE: Holy shitballs, I could never go up there!
@Meleah: Good call on the doubles idea!
@Smoopy: Ha ha ha! Thanks for spilling the beans. I could never do the glass floor thing, I'm getting sick just thinking about it!
@Spike: Nice to know there are others that share the fear. That's why I have to get drunk as a skunk before I get on a plane. The takeoff kills me.
@Mykola Mick Dementiuk: Great story!
@Biff: No, I drank the drinks and got the fuck out of there. The problem with the music is that I think they want to attract young tourists in there and think the kind of music you suggest would drive them away. And it probably would, much to my delight! Like you said, too bad for the place, because it actually could be a great bar if they only made a few changes.
@Jaws: Thanks for that mental image of King Kong jerking off in my face! Now I don't have to buy any dinner as I feel a little sick! And now I've got "Juke Box Hero" stuck in my head. Aaaaaahhhh!
Marty,
any man brave enough to hang out in an Empire State Building Bar deserves combat pay. You're doing yeoman's work to verify and validate all the reasons why I don't (usually) set foot above 14th Street. I'll put in a good word for you with the paymaster. Next time we run into each other, I shall richly reward you for your efforts. At least 3 drinks or $ 10.00 - whichever costs less. Now may I direct your efforts to all those seedy / greedy places below 8th Street, just slightly West of The Bowery. I'm looking for new hangouts in my neighborhood, but usually just get dumbfounded stares whenever I actually show up in one of those establishments. Do you think it's me??
Too bad you had to sit through such a fucking annoying song!! AAGGGHHHHRRRRR!!!!!
When is the city of NY going to install suicide booths like they have in Futurama??
@Gene: There is no way in hell I would go up that building. I would freak out.
@MAD: Its worth heading up to the observation deck. The city looks amazing at night. We had a drink at Heartland afterwards and the bartender gave me 3 free drinks because he kept fucking up his orders...
To Fixing other people fuck ups!!
Love the picture of Kong.
@MAD ........ I think Al really wants to see a visit to the Fortress of Solitude ... and some drawings !
I think it might be Fortress of Solitude time. I hate to laugh at your misery but the obligatory mirror shot was a little funny.
@Uncle Waltie: You'd definitely hate it here! We need to pick a place for a swizzle stick Tuesday soon, let me know! Sip ahoy, my friend!
@Clacky: If they had suicide booths, this blog probably wouldn't be in existence, if you know what I mean! I may try going up there next week, we'll see. Cool that you got free booze at Heartland! TO FREE BOOZE!
@GENE: I was thinking about that myself, work is pretty bad again tonight, but even I'm a little sick of that place by now! I think I may just have drinks at different places on the way home.
@Britta: I tried to copy Travis Bickle at the end of Taxi Driver when he acts like he's shooting himself in the head, one of my all time favorite moments in one of my all time favorite movies!
will try to stay on topic w/o bouncin' off bits in this comment section...that said...this reads like—to use what was once part of the vernacular—"what a fuckin' bummer, man"...first the wrok situation and then go to trek to a very promisin' destination only to be ignored, subjected to musical torture (in more than one) and then be invaded by them...maybe gumby w/ the "gun" to his head might have been a classic closer...
I like normal stuff people fear - like spiders and heights. I'm frightened by the unknown, by things that are hard to figure out and get a grip on.
~Haley Joel Osment
rr
@MAD ...... Billy Marks West --- the BBC's favourite bar in the city ! ... if that place don't cheer you up -the then you're a zombie :(
@rr: A true bummer indeed! But you have to take the bad with the good in life and at least I had nine beers in the fridge when I got home! Nice quote by HJO and you know he was high as a kite when he said it! He sees dead people, you know!
@GENE: I think Billy Marks would be too nuts on a Friday and I'm really fucking tired, I think I'm just going to stroll down Seventh, hit the Fortress of Solitude 3 and a couple other places. It'll all be up tomorrow.
@MAD: That's actually pretty impressive to screw your face up in that manner. Kudos to your self-portrait in front of the evil Lego quasi-industrial pattern behind you. Also the black shirt works, sunglasses would make the shot. Goggles would be cooler, but I don't think America is ready. Also, posting weird shit on the back end of your blog, still cool, or will the new widget catch such silliness?
@csp: Thanks! As you know, I've always been a little screwed up, I just took it to the limit for this shot. And if you're talking about the spam ads, I've deleted and reported them, hopefully they'll go away.