September 13, 2011
A few weeks ago, I went out in search of porno magazines for my Monday “Six Pack” night. Tonight I think I’ll go to a late night magazine and newspaper store and pick up some random magazines and write about them. It’ll take me back to my fishwrap days. I remember back when I was publishing and writing fishwrap, I subscribed to about thirty magazines and would take trips to magazine stores and sometimes buy a pile of around twenty magazines to make fun of. But tonight, it’s off for a six pack of magazines and a bit of a fishwrap flashback.
There's a full moon out tonight. Awoooo!
And we head down Sixth Avenue to get a six pack of magazines. Perfect!
The Universal News Cafe. It's open till midnight and it's loaded with magazines.
See what I mean?
Okay, the magazines have been chosen and rung up, let's go home and take a look at them.
OK!
How They Bill Themselves: “The Magazine The Stars Trust.” What that means: It’s ghost written by publicists.
Cover headline: “A Baby At 47.” Wow, that’s one old baby!
Number of Kim Kardashian photos: Seven.
Scary Headline: “Hugh’s Kid-Tossing Workout!” Wow, and we thought dwarf-tossing was scary! Sheesh!
Woman’s World
How They Bill Themselves: “A great week made easy!” What that means: Prozac, Prozac, Prozac!
Cover Story: “Dr. Travis Stork: H2O Dissolves Fat!” Yeah, like I’m going to believe Dr. Seuss’s bastard child about anything!
Number of Kim Kardashian photos: none. But there is one of Angie Harmon, proving that the editor of Woman’s World is 86-years-old.
Article that’s worth buying the magazine for: “Anti-Aging Tricks! Drink Beer To Prevent Alzheimer’s!”
True fact that proves that that article is a lie: I forgot what I was going to type here.
Highlights
How They Bill Themselves: “Fun With A Purpose.” That’s how I describe masturbation.
Number of Kim Kardashian Photos: None, but there are ten scary drawings of The Timbertoes learning to golf.
A Poem In Highlights That’s a Total Lie:
“My Puppy
By Aileen Fisher
It’s funny,
my puppy
knows just how I feel.
When I’m happy,
he’s happy,
and squirms just like an eel.
It’s funny,
My puppy,
knows such a great deal.”
Uh, I hate to be the one to break it to you, Aileen, but your puppy only knows two things: He’s hungry and he wants to dry-hump your left leg. Sorry to be the one to break it to you.
¡Hola!
How they bill themselves: “En Su Entrevista Mas Esperada.” Huh?
Cover Story: I’m not sure because I don’t know how to read Spanish, but I think it’s something about how Courtney Love hasn’t aged well.
Number of Kim Kardashian photos: Thirteen. ¡Adiós!
In Touch
Cover Story: “A Wedding To Save The Relationship. Exclusive Photos: Despite Joe’s drunken bullying, Teresa refuses to lose him. Inside their emotional, over-the-top second wedding.” Are you like me right now and are you saying: “Who the fuck are these people and why are they on the cover of a magazine?”
Number of Kim Kardashian photos: Only one. But don’t worry, there’s two of Kourtney, so your $2.99 wasn’t spent in vain.
Photo caption that sums up this magazine: “Anybody got a barf bag?”
Every Day With Rachael Ray
Aaaaahhhh!
Further reading: Philadelphia City Paper, Chicago Tribune, NY Daily News and New York Press.
You Might Also Like: Hair of the Dog, Sick as a Dog and How Much is that Doggie in the Window?
20 Comments
Reader Comments (20)
I think the porno magazines from last week were a much better read, something you could get a better handful, if you get my meaning ;) But hell, it was a Monday, what could be more boring than that?
I feel kinda lost here because I haven't heard of a lot of these people mentioned in the magazines. Who is Teresa and who is Joe? I can speak and read Spanish but have never bought or read a Spanish magazine. So the Duchess of Alba is inviting you to her house in Ibiza? Do I care? Dr Stork,,,says drinking water dissolves fat,,,,hey genius,,,we already know that,,,try living on water. Finally Sandra Bullock, my favorite German gal,,,,happy with baby at 47,,,,well, aren't you special. Kinda loved venting on this today,,,,great post.
@Mykola Mick Dementiuk: Of course they were a better read, that was the point!
@Al: Nothing better than venting on a Tuesday and these magazines are just the fuel for it!
Marty, you forgot the only magazine you ever subscribed to:
http://www.drunkard.com/
Today's surprise link was most eloquent, Marty. Say, I've got a great idea for a prank Marty, you could buy a dachshund puppy and tie a pink ribbon around it's neck and leave it on Rachael Ray's doorstep...one of the most neurotic breeds around and especially prone to leg humping when they get older. Picture that on a magazine cover....Ahhhhh..ha ha ha.
OKAY & INTOUCH = two of my favorite gossip rags!
Somewhat Related: I have fond memories of F.S. and I running around, sweaty and out of breath, the station that houses your Fortress of Solitude, asking every magazine stand if they had the last edition of Teen Vogue . We must have seemed a pair of crazed ephebophilies by the looks we got. We just really wanted to see a particular advertisement. Good times.
@Uncle Waltie: I need to renew my subscription, thanks for the linkage!
@Jaws: Ha! Great idea, but now that I"m picturing it, I'm starting to feel a little sick. Bark, bark...barrrffff!
@Meleah: I've gotten Out Of Touch lately, I don't know who half of the people in these magazines are!
@csp: Ha ha ha! I remember that, wasn't that the ad I fucked up?
That store sure does have a lot of magazines. And quite the interesting variety that you picked up. I wonder if it was more embarrassing buying porn or Hightlights and Womans World. The only time I really buy a magazine is if I'm going to be on a plane or something like that.
@MAD: Meh. In the empty box next to QC we systematically wrote a question mark. (But yes.)
@kari: I used to read so many magazines when I was doing fishwrap it was crazy. Plus back than, not too many were online, a different world! It was fun doing this again. Oh and I really wasn't embarrassed buying either porn or last night's selections, I was born with a low-embarrassment gene.
@csp: Ha, I thought so! The good old days!
oh well not much to say...
Stocked up on six magazines at the airport, looks like I have pop culture lesson ahead of me.
~Audrey Kitching
rr
@rr: Great quote as always!
The magazine shop guy looks very familiar. 300 looks for under $100 dollars!!Woo woo.
@Melanie: It's the Universal News on 23rd, maybe you've been in there?
My oldest daughter LOVES Highlights magazine - her grandma buys her a subscription to the toddler version. They remind me of dentist offices. I know you don't like Rachel Ray but I really love that jacket she is wearing. I need a leather jacket...
Huh. I thought I commented on this yesterday. Must've been so terrified by the sight of Rachel Ray that I forgot. Aaaaahhhh, indeed.
@Britta: I used to love Highlights as a kid too, Goofus was my role model!
@Biff: Aaaahhhh!
I actually read a couple of those at the airport..
thank god planes have barf bags..
or thank god i put them back and saved my money so I wouldnt barf...
ha!
i have a lot of marty catching up to read now.. this is more fun than magazines..
@Gidget: It's funny the airport and train stations are about the only places I read print these days. In a way it makes me a little sad. Maybe I'll barf too!