June 16, 2011
I’ve whined so much about my job on here and here I go again. The day started out fine, there was work, but no crazy deadlines and no stress. Then all of a sudden, boom, super rush jobs, problems and out of control stress. Another shitty fucking night and now it’s after midnight and I don’t even feel like going to my Fortress of Solitude. I just want to go home and have one or 17 beers and pass the fuck out go to sleep. I don’t even feel like writing a short story, so I thought I’d pull some stuff out of a magazine I put out a few years ago called Natalie Word. You can read more about the magazine here: Natalie Word.
The whole thing was just a goof, I knew there was no commercial potential, it was just something to do. It was fun, because I did both the issues all myself, from writing everything, to designing the logo to laying out the pages. I can kind of be a control freak when it comes to doing a project like this and it’s fun to do it all alone. I liked the second issue a lot better than the first one. For that one, I took magazine layouts and ads, scanned them and then wiped their copy out and wrote my own, using their layouts as a template. One of the articles came from Time magazine and it was called, “What Would Lincoln Do?” I wiped out their copy and put mine in and for some reason its always cracked me up. Usually when I finish writing something I’ll read it quite a few times if I like it and then move on and never look at it again. For some reason I’ve read the Lincoln story over and over and it still cracks me up. I’ve always thought it could be a Saturday Night Live skit that they run into the ground. (Although I’m hardly the one to be criticizing anyone on running something into the ground. See: Dog, Papaya!) So here it is below along with a few ads I doctored for the second issue of Natalie Word. Enjoy!
You’re in a tight jam, a problem has risen and you think to yourself: “Hmmm...what would Lincoln do?”
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You’re at home enjoying a nice dinner when all of a sudden out of the blue, three masked burglars with shotguns burst in and demand all of your money and valuables.
WHAT WOULD LINCOLN DO?
He’d glance up from dinner, look the burglars right in the eyes and forcefully say, “Hey, I’m Lincoln! You don’t seriously think you’re going to rob me, do you?”
The burglars think for a second and then realize that it would be a huge mistake to rob Lincoln. They leave and Lincoln goes back to enjoying his steak dinner.
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You have a very bad back condition and you’re driving to the hospital in your car when your left front tire blows out. You pull over, but there’s no way you can change the tire with the condition your back is in. A group of unruly, drunken teenagers stop at the scene, but just mock you and refuse to change the tire.
WHAT WOULD LINCOLN DO?
He’d shake his head at the teenagers and then loudly declare, “Hey this is Lincoln here! Now get out of that car and change my tire so I can get to the hospital for some painkillers. And speaking of painkillers, give me one of those beers.”
The teenagers give Lincoln a beer and proceed to change his tire like they were a pit crew at the Indianapolis 500.
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You’re at Bed, Bath and Beyond and you find a quilt that is marked “50 percent off.” It’s just the thing you’ve been looking for, but when you go to buy it, the cashier says you have to pay full price because that sale ended the day before and the tag was mistakenly left on.
WHAT WOULD LINCOLN DO?
He’d cock his left eyebrow and then forcefully and confidently say to the cashier, “Listen, Tootsie, maybe you don’t realize it, but I’m Lincoln! Now you don’t think I’m paying full price for this do you?”
The cashier realizes the error of her ways and rings the quilt up at the sale price.
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You wake up with a horrific head cold. All you want to do is drink some NyQuil and go back to bed, but you’re all out of NyQuil. So you get up, get dressed and walk to the Duane Reade drug store on 14th street, but you can’t find any NyQuil. When you ask the store manager, he tells you it’s on back order and you’re out of luck.
WHAT WOULD LINCOLN DO?
He’d scowl at the manager and then in loud and angry tones say, “Look, you’re dealing with Lincoln, here! Now get me some NyQuil!”
The manager sends a clerk to the Rite Aid drug down the block to get a bottle and then gives it to Lincoln free of charge.
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You go to a Chinese massage parlor and the woman who greets you tells you it’ll be two hundred dollars for a full body nude massage with a “happy ending.”
WHAT WOULD LINCOLN DO?
He’d scoff and demandingly say to the Chinese woman, “Hey that’s a little steep, you do know that you’re dealing with Lincoln here, don’t you?”
The Chinese woman says to him, “You pay two hundred dollars. I don’t care if you are Lincoln. You’ll have good time and a happy ending, well worth the money. You’ll see.”
Lincoln realizes it’s ridiculous to try and haggle with the Chinese woman and pays her the two hundred dollars. She gives him a massage, stimulates the Lincoln log and this writer is thrilled to finish with a happy ending to this story.
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Further reading: Natalie Word One, Natalie Word Two, Dan London Interview and New York Observer.
You also might like: Bob and Ted and Carol and Alice.
Four Other Celebrities Who Drowned
Brian Jones
Dennis Wilson
Jeff Buckley
Carol Wayne
22 Comments
Reader Comments (22)
A few very interesting subjects today: Natalie Wood was an all time foxy lady,,,I really liked her in Bob And Carol Ted and Alice,,,no woman was more beautiful, in my opinion. Also the death of Dennis Wilson,,,I remember that so well because I know that area where he drowned,,,,and the bar nearby,,,"Chez Jay's" in Santa Monica, his hangout,,,great but sad stories,,,,tragic.
LOL at What Would Lincoln do! Perfect happy ending! The ads are hilarious too, great post. And like Al said, Natalie Wood was one foxy lady!
Natalie Wood died during the making of her last movie "Brainstorm' ... a sci-fi movie I still think about to this day. Suppose somebody invented a VCR that could make a recording of everything inside of your head and play it back for somebody else. Just IMAGINE the trouble that Anthony Weiner could have got himself into with a gadget like that! Imagine the possibilities for the porn industry!
@Al: Dennis Wilson was always my favorite Beach Boy. Is Chez Jay's still around?
@Barfly: Glad you got a larf out of the Lincoln story!
@Jaws: I certainly wouldn't want a recording of the things floating around in my brain! I try to forget them as soon as I think of them!
I loved "Natalie Word!" And I loved "What Would Lincoln Do?" And the ads were always clever. My favorite was the Dior watch.
I still have a big crush on Natalie Word. Oh, to flip through her pages...and feet! (HI MARTY!)
A fitting tribute Marty. Natalie was a dream like beautiful women who was taken away too soon. Even though it's hard, I've still been mourning Wood on a daily basis. Many days, just after I've risen, even if it causes a bit of awkwardness or strange glances, I fly the flag at half mast for Natalie.
@Marty: Chez Jay's is still there and thriving,,,,about a half block south of the famous pier. Everyone in Hollywood has been there,,,including the Rat Pack. The place is the size of a living room,,,sawdust on the floor,,,owner Jay passed a couple of years ago,,,link http://www.chezjays.com
@Biff me too!!!! oh ....
and her sister Lana.. shit she has the best.. ummm never mind....
read her book it was hot...
I swear Natalie was on some hardcore X in "bob and carol and ted and alice"
that movie was fucked up ina good good way.. cept in real life elliott gould would have had to watch...
nothing wrong with watching.
I miss Natalie Word..
that was some damn good marty stuff there:)
would have been happy if he dressed like natalie at least once though..
Marty would ya feel better if i took off and got a hot dog in your honour? it will be a vienna though?
Screw Abe, when I’m faced with important decisions; I ask myself WWJD?
Of course the “J” I’m referring to is
JesusJerry.“Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.” - Jerry Garcia
I’d bet Honest Abe would do Natalie, given half a chance.
“I've been down one time
I've been down two times
But now I'm drowning, drowning in the sea of love”
@Aaron: Thanks for buying a copy and the kind words!
@Biff: TO FEET! (Two feet?) Ta-da! (Hi Biff!)
@csp: Ha ha ha! I can't top that.
@Al: Thanks for the link, I would love to check that place out some time!
@Gidgie: A dog in my honor would make my day!
@Harry: Great Jerry quote! And Natalie would've made Honest Abe dishonest in a heartbeat!
Why didn't Natalie Wood take a shower on the boat?
She wanted to wash up on shore.
downloaded natalie word back in the "365" days...got passed around and never returned....may have to go to lulu and get the "real" thing...whenever i see that geico spot w/ "honest abe" i think of wwld...
all MAD followers should copy and the followin' for a meat review:
http://tinyurl.com/dmzf3f
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde
rr
should be "copy and paste (in browser of choice) the followin' for a neat review"...damn evil computer...
rr
loved the happy ending to the lincoln story! lol!
@rr: Thanks as always for your purchases! And at first I thought you were putting up a link to a barbecue site, till I read your correction!
@rita r: Glad you got a laugh out of it!
What a cool publication! GREAT cover. And who wouldn't buy a mag just for Where Are They Now the Cast of Blossom?
@onemorefoldedsunset: Thanks! It was fun to do.
Hey Marty! that was GREAT!!! my first day back in blogger world and my first read back. Everyone else has some STIFF competition! really well done Lincoln..ooops, I mean Mary.
Brilliant.
@Green Monkey: Thanks! I need to go check your blog out!
@Grade "A" Karen: Thank you!
Lincoln just doesn't get the respect he deserves. Glad he got a happy ending! And love reading reviews about your writing. Thanks for that link rr/marty
@csp, nice of you to go through that effort