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May 10, 2011

It’s with sheer fucking joy mixed emotions that tonight I tell you that the Papaya Wars are over. There’s still a couple left I didn’t go to, but I just can’t stand this anymore feel it’s time to end the battles and let the obvious winner emerge victoriously. I’m happy to see peace, but as in all wars, sadness accompanies the final pounding of the war drum. There’s losers and casualties that have piled up, some places fared better than others and lots of hot dogs gave their lives in the name of the Papaya Wars. Let’s have a moment of silence for them. Jesus Christ, I think I’ve finally lost my fucking mind.

Okay, off to the winning battle field!

We'll be taking the subway to the final battle field.

The back escalator is always much more calm than the front one.

I couldn't believe it, as soon as I got to the tracks there was a train about ready to take off. I jumped in and we're ready to go, no waiting! A magical night indeed!

Okay, just a few blocks and we'll announce the victor in the Papaya Wars!

But first, a little neon in the night.

One block away!

And here we are, The Papaya King, the winner of the Papaya Wars!

The King is the original, after all, the first Papaya dog stand in Manhattan. All others are heirs to this throne of hot doggery. Let's go in and proclaim The King the winner. The employees will probably be thrilled!

Well...the soldiers here must be a little shell-shocked. They looked at me like I was nuts when I told them that they had won the Papaya Wars and reluctantly posed for this photo with the banner I had specially made for the occasion. This guy said he'd only pose for the photo if I didn't photograph his face. Must be some sort of intelligence-gathering operative. I complied to the orders.

And now time for the last Papaya meal. I brought the secret ingredient for the Screwdapaya drink.

And here's the last supper. War is over (if you want it) and soon so is the meal.

I have to confess tears are welling up as I take my last Ebony and Ivory ketchup and mustard shot.

Okay, it's out the door to see the public's reaction to the end of the Papaya Wars.

Wow, word travels fast! Goodnight everybody and see you tomorrow after dark.

The Final Papaya Wars Standings.
As always the rankings go from worst to the best.

9. Hell’s Kitchen Papaya: Because it’s not there anymore.
8. Papaya Dog in Times Square: They don’t have beer and I forgot to bring vodka. Plus my corn dog was borderline cold and they have a cracked window in there which can only mean bad luck to all who enter.
7. Papaya Dog at 6th Avenue and 4th: They’re liars!
6. Gray’s Papaya at 6th Ave. and 8th St: They don’t have beer but I did remember the vodka for my patented Papaya Wars Screwdapaya drink. New York Magazine delcares this the best of all Papaya’s but then tell’s us it’s endorsed by Mario Batali. Thinking about Super Mario in his shorts and orange clogs always cause me to lose my appetite, so that’s going to drag this place down in the ratings. And they get points knocked off for hopping on the dollar pizza wagon train that just keeps growing and growing. Plus I’ve got jury duty at 8:45 tomorrow. In the fucking morning tomorrow. KHHAAAAAANNN!
5. Chelsea Papaya: It’s clean, people were nice in there, but there’s no beer.
4. Gray’s Papaya on the Upper West Side: It brings back good memories and the signage is nice, but there’s no beer here and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that horrible taste of the papaya drink out of my mouth or mind.
3. Papaya Dog at 14th and 1st: The staff is super-friendly, it’s clean and the hot dogs are great there. However, they robbed me of my patented Ebony and Ivory ketchup and mustard shot! War is hell.
2. Penn Station Papaya: They’ve got beer!
1. Papaya King on the Upper East Side: They’ve got vodka...okay, you’ve got to bring it yourself and sneak it in, but still, this is the original Papaya King in New York City. They've been in the same spot on this block since 1932. The Beatles ate here on their first trip to New York when they appeared on the The Ed Sullivan Show. So does this put the King in first place? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Winner of the Papaya Wars!
Papaya King
179 E. 86th St. (Near Third Ave.)

Further reading: Wikipedia, Psychology Today, Urban Dictionary and Smoking Hot Waitress.

You might also like: My Three Sons, Three Blind Mice and We Three.

Six Kings
King Tut
King Kong
Kaiser King
King of the Hill
Good King Wenceslas
Little Kings

This-ism, That-ism, ism ism ism,
All we are saying, is give peace a chance.


(Surprise link...click on it...I dare you!)


Bonus Photo From Lex!

Lex took this photo at the Great Burrito at 79th and Amsterdam on the Upper West Side. It's Cardboard Box Man's Heavy Metal Cousin!


Reader Comments (25)

End of an era !

Now .... it's on to ? ....... sock man wars ?

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGENE

Long Live The King!

Whoa…..Box Man's Heavy Metal Cousin looks like a force to be reckoned with…

LOL @ Joseph Bologna; love that movie, and the PENNSY ANIA STATION sign

Everybody’s talking about
John and Yoko, Timmy Leary, Rosemary,
Tommy Smothers, Bobby Dylan,
Tommy Copper,
Derek Taylor, Norman Mailer,
Allen Ginsberg, Hare Krishna,

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHarry

What's so funny about Peace, Love and Papaya King? Everything! LOL!

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBarfly

i demand a recount! my vote is for the one in UWS and 6th ave. & 8th st. i'd have already notified counsel on this matter. they'll take it to the supreme court, if need be.

but, good series, nonetheless. thanks for the sharing this exploration of papaya 'dogs in the city. don't think i've ever been been to chelsea and penn station ones. will definitely check it out. you should name and patent that papaya + vodka drink before apothecary or the beagle or some trendy ev bar, or any bar, steals it and start charging $15 for it.


May 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteresquared

@GENE: I forgot all about the sock man wars! Ha ha ha!

@Harry: The heavy metal box man is frightening indeed! "My Favorite Year" is one of my all time favorite movies. Best line (when he's taking a piss in the ladies room): Woman: This is for women only! Peter O'Toole: So's this, but every now and again I need to run some water through it. Cut to: Hot Dog! Hare Chapin.

@Barfly: War is L! LOL!

@esquared: No recounts, ruling based on the first Bush vs. Gore election! Hey I'm taking your advice and will start a Ray's Original Pizza Battle next week, and of course you will get credit for the idea! Cheers to you!

May 10, 2011 | Registered CommenterMarty After Dark

to the king! and i love the heavy metal cardboard man that lex sent in! lol!

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterrita r.

I have enjoyed lurking and following the Papaya wars! - great site

Don't you have to take the E from Penn Station, and transfer to the 6 at 51st & Lex to get to the UES? Just curious because the photo doesn't look like the inside of the E train.

Or did you take the R from Herald Square to 59th & Lex?

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJAZ

@rita r: To the King!

@JAZ: Glad to have you lurking here and good to hear from you! I took the 1 train and then hiked through Central Park to the East Side, I'd rather walk than mess with transfers.

May 10, 2011 | Registered CommenterMarty After Dark

"I... am... Boxface... Man."
Duh Da Duh Da Duh Da Duh Da Duh Duh Duh.

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter"Boris"

The King is dead, long live the King.

Peter O'Toole making a dick joke is a comedy trifecta.

On a creepy note; oh yeah, just how I like my cleaners. Nice and young, and expert tailors.

Bullet proof Boxman. You're fucked now.

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercsp

I don't know why this JUST came to me, considering the fact that you've been doing the countdown (or up, as it were) for the entirety of The Papaya Wars, but your numbered list, in all of its repetitive glory, reminds me of The Twelve Days of Christmas. Accordingly, I challenge all Marty After Dark readers far and wide to come up with a Papaya Wars song and post it on youtube. Then, Marty can gather the best of the best here and either declare a wiener himself or put it to popular vote (note to Marty: if you go the popular vote route, I want to be J.Lo). What do you say, Wombacher? Let's rock this motherfucker out and go viral! TO HOT DOGS!

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBiff

Very well, Papaya King. Just wait til next year

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHandel

I always wondered what the deal was with Uncle Charlie on My Three Sons when I was a kid. All I can say, is that he ever moved in with my family back then, I would have gone shopping for some chastity shorts. I'd rather have cardboard box man living under my bed, lemme tell ya.

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJaws the Cabbie

@"Boris:" Box Man Sabbath! I love it!

csp: Thanks for noticing the comedy trifecta! I was proud of that! And you're right, I'm in big trouble with the new and improved box man. I need to get some plutonium.

@Biff: I hope people take you up on this challenge! I'll think of a decent prize if people start posting them! "declare a wiener" Ha ha ha! You still gots it Bifferoonie!

@Handel: Sorry your's didn't win, but all's fair in love and Papaya Wars and I love the King! But...there always is next year!

@Jaws: Chastity shorts? Ha ha ha!

May 10, 2011 | Registered CommenterMarty After Dark

@Biff: I can write and record some music if you want to make some lyrics and do the vid?
@MAD: I was under the impression that the war had been already won by the king? You even made a sign! Crazy bastard.
Gumby won't stand a chance against Metal box man.

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterClacky.

Finally, the end, thank you so much. I think the winner should give Marty free hotdogs for a year, due to all this free publicity via MAD and runner up Penn Station Papaya should provide a few beers, for Marty's loyal friends here like us that endured this. A few cold beers,,,,like Tim Robbins asked for in Shawshank Redemption,,,,a few cold beers.

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAl

@Clacky: No, I hadn't officially declared the winner. What was funny was the two guys working in there. I went in and told them they had won the Papaya Wars and they thought I was fucking nuts. Neither wanted to pose with the sign and I had to force one of them to hold it! I have heard from the King on Twitter and I'll post it tomorrow. The Heavy Metal Box Man is frightening. Gumby's hiding in the corner! I'd love it if you did a song with Biff!

@Al: I knew you'd be thrilled and yes, I do thank everyone for playing along. Even I got sick of it and I'm used to really running shit into the ground! A few cold beers indeed!

May 10, 2011 | Registered CommenterMarty After Dark

(w/ my apologizes to mr morrison):
the war is over
it's all over
for that unknown papaya maker

a nice find by lex...cardboard box man...cardboard box man card....cardboard box man's heavy metal cousin...maybe we'll meet the whole cardboard box family....

the Psychology Today link sota led me to the followin':

“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.”
- Hunter S. Thompson


May 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterraginrr

Heavy Metal Cousin is one tough looking guy - great find!

May 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteronemorefoldedsunset

@rr: That's my favorite Hunter S. Thompson quote!

@onemorefoldedsunset: I couldn't believe it when Lex sent it to me, too perfect! What a week of Cardboard Man guys!

May 10, 2011 | Registered CommenterMarty After Dark

All wars should end, but a little sadness to see this one end. To the King!

I found my therapist on Psychology Today. I pimp that place all the time.

@Biff, I wish I was the talented!

May 11, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkari

@kari: To the King and to therapy, it helped me out years ago and I'm still using what I learned in there!

May 11, 2011 | Registered CommenterMarty After Dark

@Clacky: Fo shizzle, my dizzle! Wait...that's rap. Well, whatever the "yes" in heavy metal is, that's what I meant to answer. That said, I'm either gonna need to grow my hair really fast or get a wig in order to be truly thrashy. Have your people contact Marty's people to contact my people and we'll rock this mother out.

@Kari: I'm not talented at all! But I've found that the less talent you have, the better off you are on youtube. You can do it!!

May 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBiff

@Biff: Get Jiggy wit it!

May 11, 2011 | Registered CommenterMarty After Dark

@Biff that is a very good point. Now if only I could get past the whole public embarrassment thing...

May 11, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkari

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