It’s with sheer fucking joy mixed emotions that tonight I tell you that the Papaya Wars are over. There’s still a couple left I didn’t go to, but I just can’t stand this anymore feel it’s time to end the battles and let the obvious winner emerge victoriously. I’m happy to see peace, but as in all wars, sadness accompanies the final pounding of the war drum. There’s losers and casualties that have piled up, some places fared better than others and lots of hot dogs gave their lives in the name of the Papaya Wars. Let’s have a moment of silence for them. Jesus Christ, I think I’ve finally lost my fucking mind.
Okay, off to the winning battle field!
We'll be taking the subway to the final battle field.
The back escalator is always much more calm than the front one.
I couldn't believe it, as soon as I got to the tracks there was a train about ready to take off. I jumped in and we're ready to go, no waiting! A magical night indeed!
Okay, just a few blocks and we'll announce the victor in the Papaya Wars!
But first, a little neon in the night.
One block away!
And here we are, The Papaya King, the winner of the Papaya Wars!
The King is the original, after all, the first Papaya dog stand in Manhattan. All others are heirs to this throne of hot doggery. Let's go in and proclaim The King the winner. The employees will probably be thrilled!
Well...the soldiers here must be a little shell-shocked. They looked at me like I was nuts when I told them that they had won the Papaya Wars and reluctantly posed for this photo with the banner I had specially made for the occasion. This guy said he'd only pose for the photo if I didn't photograph his face. Must be some sort of intelligence-gathering operative. I complied to the orders.
And now time for the last Papaya meal. I brought the secret ingredient for the Screwdapaya drink.
And here's the last supper. War is over (if you want it) and soon so is the meal.
I have to confess tears are welling up as I take my last Ebony and Ivory ketchup and mustard shot.
Okay, it's out the door to see the public's reaction to the end of the Papaya Wars.
Wow, word travels fast! Goodnight everybody and see you tomorrow after dark.
The Final Papaya Wars Standings.
As always the rankings go from worst to the best.
9. Hell’s Kitchen Papaya: Because it’s not there anymore.
8. Papaya Dog in Times Square: They don’t have beer and I forgot to bring vodka. Plus my corn dog was borderline cold and they have a cracked window in there which can only mean bad luck to all who enter.
7. Papaya Dog at 6th Avenue and 4th: They’re liars!
6. Gray’s Papaya at 6th Ave. and 8th St: They don’t have beer but I did remember the vodka for my patented Papaya Wars Screwdapaya drink. New York Magazine delcares this the best of all Papaya’s but then tell’s us it’s endorsed by Mario Batali. Thinking about Super Mario in his shorts and orange clogs always cause me to lose my appetite, so that’s going to drag this place down in the ratings. And they get points knocked off for hopping on the dollar pizza wagon train that just keeps growing and growing. Plus I’ve got jury duty at 8:45 tomorrow. In the fucking morning tomorrow. KHHAAAAAANNN!
5. Chelsea Papaya: It’s clean, people were nice in there, but there’s no beer.
4. Gray’s Papaya on the Upper West Side: It brings back good memories and the signage is nice, but there’s no beer here and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that horrible taste of the papaya drink out of my mouth or mind.
3. Papaya Dog at 14th and 1st: The staff is super-friendly, it’s clean and the hot dogs are great there. However, they robbed me of my patented Ebony and Ivory ketchup and mustard shot! War is hell.
2. Penn Station Papaya: They’ve got beer!
1. Papaya King on the Upper East Side: They’ve got vodka...okay, you’ve got to bring it yourself and sneak it in, but still, this is the original Papaya King in New York City. They've been in the same spot on this block since 1932. The Beatles ate here on their first trip to New York when they appeared on the The Ed Sullivan Show. So does this put the King in first place? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bonus Photo From Lex!
Lex took this photo at the Great Burrito at 79th and Amsterdam on the Upper West Side. It's Cardboard Box Man's Heavy Metal Cousin!