March 18, 2011
Apocalypse Now—Part II:
The Search For O’Kurtz! @11:39 am
East Village
Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I'd never want another.
I was going to the worst place in the world, and I didn't even know it yet.
It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Colonel O’Kurtz's memory—any more than going out on St. Patrick’s Day was an accident.
Part of me was afraid of what I would find and what I would do when I got there. I knew the risks, or imagined I knew. But the thing I felt the most, much stronger than fear, was the desire to confront him.
Oh man, the bullshit piles up so fast on St. Patrick’s Day you need wings to stay above it.
The crew were mostly just kids. Rock 'n' rollers with one foot in their graves.
Their idea of great R and R was cold corned beef and buckets of green beer. They had only two ways home: stumbling or passing out on your stoop, covered in their own green vomit while screaming gibberish at an ear-splitting level. Things had spun out of control and I was sent to clean it all up.
He was close. He was real close. I couldn't see him yet but I could feel him.
This was his camp. A hideous and frightening outpost, with the most horrific glowing font I had seen in all my life. I had to go in, but luckily when it was all over I could leave and never enter it's blinding doorways again. And thank fucking God I didn’t live above this noisy monstrosity.
Everything I saw in here told me that O’Kurtz had gone insane. The place was full of bodies, throwing down booze just to get completely out of what little minds they possessed. They were screaming at one another, yapping on cell phones and texting all at the same time. I was close to a mental and physical breakdown.
Luckily, it was at this moment I found O’Kurtz. He was almost passed out underneath a table and mindlessly pouring green beer all over his round, bald head. He was wearing a t-shirt with three strange words printed on it in pink lettering: “Hot Chicks Room.” I don’t know what that meant, but something told me it was time to improvise. I leaned in and tried to shout above the racket: “O’Kurtz, can you hear me?”
O’Kurtz squinted his eyes, trying to make out who I was. After a moment he smiled. Perhaps he realized who I was, but the growing stain in the lap of his pants told me he had just relieved himself of some of the evening’s green beer. He pulled me closer in and placed his mouth one inch from my ear and screamed, “WOO HOO!”
The horror...the horror.
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Further reading: LawInfo, Crown Corned Beef, EV Grieve and Green Marlon Brando.
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The Papaya Dialogues
I've been having a nice conversation on Twiitter with the King and yesterday he told me about the Beatles coming to Papaya King in 1964, so I asked him this question.
I came home from work and there was no reply from the King. So sad!
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Some Things I Did Before Work Today
Checked my front right pocket to make sure my keys were in there.
Went to the corner deli.
Got a bottle of diet Mountain Dew, Teas Tea and a bag of Funyuns.
I didn’t really get the Funyuns.
I just like to type the word Funyuns.
Checked my front right pocket to make sure my keys were in there.
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I'm sitting' in the Sheraton Gibson playin' my Gibson,
And boy do I wanna go home.
27 Comments
Reader Comments (27)
Did you smell napalm in the morning? Did it smell like victory? I really liked this post today, captions tweaked just right. It was amateur night for sure but you still took some good shots of neon from Pour House and 13th Step. Ending it with Pete was icing on the cake,,,was there a louder rock band than the Who? maybe Motorhead.
Ha Ha ha ha aha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Nice MAD Papa Sheen.
I spotted a young Harrison Ford early into it.
Goddamn! LMFAO! Wondered how you would handle the MADness of St. Pat's, thought you'd do one from home, glad you didn't. Loved this one!
Awesome post! Glad you survived the night to tell it.
Funyuns were my favorite "chips" in high school. Not sure I have had them since. Funyuns and gas station hot dogs, senior year lunch.
@cp did you get a new initial? Does it stand for special? Inquiring mind needs to know!
@Al: I smelled dirty socks this morning, time to do laundry! Glad you liked the post and that Pete Townshend album is my favorite of all his solo albums.
@csp: For years, I never knew that that was Harrison Ford!
@Barfly: I was going to do it from home, then the Apocalypse idea hit me. Glad you liked it.
@kari: Thanks! I wondered the same about csp. I wonder how long till he's signing off with half of the alpabet. Definitely an alpha male!
HAHAHA Great post!!! I like to read the Adventures of the Brave MAD: in the lands of St. Patrick's Damnation!!
@Al: The Who it's pretty loud, but Mötorhead is "Everything louder than everyone else!"
lol! definitely one of your best! but i too am saddened by the no reply by the king! is this the end of the pd?
Epic Post! I love the smell of Charlie Sheen in the morning! Very clever piece here, Marty! Had me laughing out loud which was good....because i drove bus through all that bullshit last night and may have had the worst night of all time! Apocalyspe Now is one of my favorite flicks and I went to see it on opening night. They handed out programs with the credits on them as there were none on the actual film! I love when Charlie Sheen smashes his hand in the mirror because room service won't send up anymore hookers to his room! Brilliant piece! Loved it!
@Kari/MAD: It came to my attention that pedobear likes CP. The horror, the horror.
Ahahhahaaahhaahh! LMFAO!
@Gui_Stecher: Thanks! I agree on the Motorhead point!
@The Papaya Dialogues will continue! I heard from the King today and will post that tomorrow.
@Professor Dungpie: " I love the smell of Charlie Sheen in the morning! " Ha ha ha! Great one! Glad you liked this, I had fun putting it together.
@csp: Pedobear???
@Meleah: Glad you got a larf out of it!
I love the smell of green beer and deli in the morning....smells like...victory. Great post Marty, you're so much more than an errand boy sent out by grocery clerks! Bwahaha!!
what a fuckin' classic...what more can be said?....MAD has alot out there but this is right up there...hell might be number one...slightly off topic...guess those stretch vehicles were gone when you made it to "13th step"...you have had some classics...going back to "mornings suck'...oh yeah...fuck dick stolley—who the fuck is mr. leitch?...now way off topic...pedobear...sumthing to do w/ pedophiles....don't see the cp connection...of course i have no idea where i am...
"If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky? "
Stanislaw J. Lec
rr
I just spent way too much time looking up pedobear online. Thanks for that @csp. And now I'm even more curious at exactly what csp stands for...
btw - am I the only one that gets everyone's follow-up comments except any left by Marty?
i sorta check...once in a while...
rr
@ Kari; You are not alone, I never get Marty's comments in my e-mail either.
@Raginrr; !?!?!?!?!
jawa...don't know what you're ?
rr
Great post today, Marty! Nice Angle!
I'll take some photos of Jerry's coasters tomorrow when I can prop up at the bar and relax.
Gotta love the stale smell of Green spew in the morning.
I can't handle St. Pats day. Nothing personal against the Irish, but shit just gets way out of hand for no real reason. Does everybody become Irish on St. Pats? I'm not Irish. I have no reason to celebrate this day...but the Irish definitely should. It's their national day.
In the fair land of Oz, people go more nuts on St. Pats day than they do on Australia Day. Why?
Answer: It's just another excuse to get fucked up!
Q. "If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky? " (Stanislaw J. Lec)
A. Nah, he's Polish.
hey man i'm polish....
rr
So is Stanislaw, just a lame jibe on my part. Even lamer, looking for the remove comment X so no one would be offended, then realizing there isn't one.
hey csp...i have no no idea what i am...was raise w/ a couple dogs cats and monkeys...i think there were a fish or two....
rr
@Jaws: Wasn't Jerry Lewis the errand boy?
@rr: Glad you gave it classic status! Was one of my favorites to do. Great quote!
@kari: GENE has wondered about the same thing, I don't know what causes it.
@Clacky: Can't wait to see Jerry's coasters at Bunt's!
Fuck, man, this is better than Disneyland!
Watch out, those goddamn monkeys bite, I'll tell ya.
Outstanding, Red Team, outstanding!
Get you a case of beer for that one.
@ MAD; "Fa la la nice laaaaydy....OY GEVALT! I'm just to tightly wrapped for Vietnam!" - Jerry Lewis.
@"Boris:" Never get off the boat!
@Jaws: The only place Jerry Lewis wasn't wrapped too tightly for was France!
Funyuns! You're right...that's pretty fun. Going out on St. Patrick's Day is not and, so, I didn't. Thanks for taking one for the team, Martarino! Hope you gave O'Kurtz my best.